Saturday, August 19, 2017


Murphy and I have been together for 10 years since he was 3 months old. It's taught me how to speak dog.

He just woke me up from sleep by standing next to my bed panting and I knew he had to go to pee. I'm so well trained.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Never lose access to your old email accounts...

In an attempts to organize my blog (of yester years and the now) I have run my forehead into the cement wall of lost logins and passwords over and over.
I cannot backup my blogger blog because the email I use to login is the secondary email on the account and the primary email I do not have access to. I tried to regain access to it but was rebuffed, being unable to provide the necessary information.

I couldn't backup the old livejournal account because I couldn't access that same email or the one prior to it. So it's copy and paste and or nothing.

It feels stupid to have to give up on this. But I cannot find any loopholes to jump through to success. It sucks.

Thursday, August 10, 2017


It's easy to say thank you to God when you do not have cancer.
It's easy to say thank you to God when you do not have a rebellious teenager under your roof.
It's easy to say thank you to God when you are in an unbroken relationship.
It's easy to say thank you to God when you have sufficient food for the day.
Then the kids won't give you a minute to think.
Then the dog eats some of the chicken.
Then you're tired.
Then your spouse is too busy to love you.
And there is no thanks said to God
Or no thanks felt.
And we rebel.
And we fail to seek Him.

And then I fail to seek Him.
The thanks become a distant truth that I resent.
And I fail to seek Him.
A hundred decisions a day, a thousand thoughts and how many spared for Him?
Never enough.
More complex than science, more magical than destiny, the Creator of the stars.
And no thanks felt in my heart
As I live by the power of His mercy
On the very threshold of his throne room
Awaiting entrance, I am an arrogant fool.
And when I die and I am flush full of the awareness and power of His glory and how very far short I have measured in deservedness
He will look at me
The One who knew me before my mother knew me, before I knew myself
The One who is and was and always will be
The eternal One
He will look at me and I will be saved
Because He will not see me but Jesus.
I am not fit
Even when I am humbled to my knees and appalled with what depths I am certainly capable of in heart, in mind, and in speech.
When I remember to pray, to read, to choose wisely
To have a gentle spirit and be merciful.
It is a poor offering.
But the One looks at me and sees Him and I am saved.
Thankful am I that the Holy Spirit in me cries out.
Thankful am I that I am being saved.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Future minded. Eternity minded.

If someone trespasses against you and you spend years forgiving them or feeling you've forgiven them,  but you can't bear the thought of being in their physical presence, have you actually forgiven them? 

The easy answer is "maybe."
But I'm afraid the true answer might be no.  

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

If I had 3 wishes I would wish:

1. That when Bob and I die we would spend eternity together praising the maker of the universe.

2. That my parents would know fully how humbled and amazed and appreciated their love and care has made me feel.

3. That I had a pair of thermal imaging goggles.

In that order.

Friday, July 28, 2017

A bit

Art history is all fun and games until you read about someone like Caravaggio. Yick.

When something doesn't feel right; when I feel like a pale imitation of what I want to be. I need to read the Bible more or better. It helps me rake all the worldly fake gladness from the real source of joy in my life.

Friday, July 21, 2017

A nice 3 nearly often.

Sage just walked down two flights of stairs in the dark to tell me that Marley's cough sounded worst and that she thought Marley needed med-sen. Then she told me, "On Saturday when I was a baby Grandpa Bob was holding me and I had a cough."

Marley appreciated when Sage and I showed up with the med-sen. 

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

In the center- the waiting.

I grabbed a washcloth today and for a moment I could smell my grandma's house as it had been when she was alive and sound of mind. It made me feel 100 years old and a million miles from home. Sad and happy and hopeful and lonely.

Earlier today I was sitting on my parents' porch and looking into the trees and thought of my other grandmother.

It's amazing where human lives lead. That though we've fallen, God holds us to Him. That through the miracle and blessing of motherhood we can experience so much living and joy, even while existing in the middle of a dark foggy world that seems hopeless and groping all the time.

That even our suffering is not in vain.  If we are remembered by many or few after we die, eventually no human will recall us, or know our smell. But the Creator of the Universe has purpose for us and spoke our world into existence and populated it with creatures He loves, though they deny Him.

I guess I still feel lonely. Though the Father attends me with the Spirit. I'm sad for the losses of my kith and kin to time. I'm in dread of the time I have left, full of loss as it will be. I know the comfort of hope,  but I am not yet surrounded by the comfort of home, where pain and tears will be forgotten memories.