Saturday, July 16, 2016

Letting the brain just go here.

I keep finding my brain in a funk. Not feeling the urge to move on any projects, no pressing things i really have to do, not enough energy to take some great leap in any particular direction. Not hungry, not excited about eating even my favorite foods. Tired but not grumpy. Experience makes me believe that I must be depressed. But I don't actually feel depressed. I wonder of it could be boredom. If it is, I can't be sure of it. I keep busy enough, have enough company.

Is there something I'm meant to be doing that I am not? Am I doing something I shouldn't?

Reading the Bible, there is obvious direction. It's a relief.
...

Bob and I finally went over our lives and our budgets. For the first time we are without government assistance and still able to breath without anxiety overcoming. We're finally going to be able to pay off our debts and buy doughnuts our Saturday. Our budgeting was overdue because we realized that we had more money free than usual but barely noticing because we didn't examine our lives more closely. That problem is now resolved. I am so thankful to God for keeping us together, through a mortgage that was 75% of our income, through bankruptcy, through the loss of our home, our incomes,  through the charitable love we've received from family and friends. And now through this rise back up in the pay scale. Being able to pay for our own food, to give money back to those who have helped us. I pray that the humility and perspective we have gained, doesn't flee from us. God can work with anything to achieve anything He chooses. I must have faith in this. God give me faith and thank you for dealing so mercifully and kindly with this child.
...

Marley has turned 8. She didn't ask permission. Where is she now? She's a thoughtful and generous spirit. She loves justice and getting her own way. She loves romantic things, but not the mushy stuff. She loves magic tricks, girl power, and physical activity. She loves animals. She wants a cat and a bunny and a guinea pig... And a pony... And a chihuahua.

She deserves all that stuff. But because o love her, I won't give it to her... At least not all of it at once. And never a rabbit... Probably.

She's taught me to listen harder, lover better, yell less. She makes me want to be a better person and a better mom. More of a Miss Honey and less of a Trunchbull because I'll never be a Matilda.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Things

Bob took Marley on a daddy date and Marley ordered a huge plate of food. The waitress told Marley if she finished the food she would give her a hundred dollars. Marley gave it her best shot. She even took off her belt and put it over her shoulder.

Unrelated to that Bob saw a very old woman put four packets of sweet and low on her side salad.
...

We were eating ice cream sundaes for dessert last night and Sage had chocolate all over her hands. She grabbed Solomon's arm suddenly and he yells "Sage! Ew!" Then proceeds to lick the chocolate hand print off his arm.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Loving

I'm thankful to God for being so merciful and loving, to have given me into the care of the parents I was given.

And for the rich extravagant blessing of my children.

Like water and nutrients and energy, this love, it's a  beautiful cycle. Not made up of perfect parts and not always consistent, but real and life sustaining.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Marley

I sat on the front porch tonight with Marley. We waited to see if we could feel the first raindrops fall. We talked about everything. We talked about how boys talk differently to girls than they do other boys, about the human body and the amazing science of it and the absurd amounts of embarrassment we attach to certain aspects of it. We talked about how marriage is hard and that love means changing yourself to fight for your marriage, not changing someone else. We talked about how some kids get exposed to adult drama and concepts early and how they're ill equipped to handle it.

Me: they might see things adults are doing and not know why they're doing them.
Marley: And then they won't really understand it but they'll tell their friend about it and then their friend will tell their other friend and it will all be REALLY wrong.
Me: *just stares at Marley with adoration*

It was fun, and unfolded so organically. She said how much she enjoyed it afterward, when we came inside and she hugged me. I was misty but I kept the weepiness mostly to myself. Marley's understanding and thoughtfulness is a joy to me.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Good morning

Saturday morning, after a Friday night when I stayed up late; my kids are asleep but I'm awake because the great acoustics afforded by the valley of my backyard and someone's toddler who is having a tantrum. I made a lackluster attempt to fall back asleep but have up. So now I'd be cranky except I'm recognizing that I'm starting to get to a point in my life my dad told me would eventually happen when I was little. The point where you don't need as much sleep. Except I'm thinking it's possible he might have been talking about that happening when I was an older teenager (and not a growing child) and not when I was thirty one.

I remember feeling really excited about the freedom that less sleep would afford me. I guess so I could blog with only half my vocabulary working while listening to the morning birds. It's pretty good.

Baby steps.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Goings on

"Wait a second. I'm going to write a book." -Marley

...
Last night I was sure I had closed the childproof door to the bathroom when I went to take a shower. But Sage has raptor skills and silently opened the door and very not silently ripped the shower curtain open yelling "MOMMY, YOU POOPING?!"

I still have not recovered. And for the record, I wasn't.
...

Sage loves to declare that Solo is "best friend!"
And then she runs to him. "HUGGY TIME!!!"
...

Marley is so helpful and kind. It makes the moments where she is sullen or short tempered seem so much worse and generally triggers knee jerk yelling from me. Poor kid. Great kid.
...
It's Wednesday and in the last three days Bob has worked 50 hours. Poor guy. Great guy.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Movement of the people

God's timing. So I too can wait 40 years for the desire of my heart.

(Caleb says to Joshua)"... Moses, the servant of the Lord, sent me from Kadesh Barnea to check out the land. I was 40 years old at that time. I brought back an honest report to him. I told him exactly what I had seen. Several other men of Israel went up with me. What they reported made the hearts of the people melt away in fear. But I followed the Lord my God with my whole heart.  "So on that day Moses took an oath and made a promise to me. He said, 'The land your feet have walked on will be your share. It will be the share of your children forever. That's because you have followed the Lord my God with your whole heart.' (Deuteronomy 1:36)  "The Lord has done just as he promised. He made the promise while Israel was wandering around in the desert. That was 45 years ago. He has kept me alive all of this time. So here I am today, 85 years old! I'm still as strong today as I was the day Moses sent me out. I'm just as able to go out to battle now as I was then.  "So give me this hill country. The Lord promised it to me that day. At that time you yourself heard that the Anakites were living there. You also heard that their cities were large and had high walls. But I'll drive them out, just as the Lord said I would. He will help me do it." "
Joshua 14:7‭-‬12 NIRV

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Previous posts that failed to post

When my kid displays obvious signs of early literacy my mind is just blown. Like when a toddler makes a sentence of intelligible words, a five year old writes a letter, or a 7 year old catches puns in comic strips.

It kills me goods.
....

Looking across the dining table at my two oldest children who are both wearing shades of blue that happen to match their eyes.

Writing a book that makes me glad, not anxious.

Seeing art are every turn.

Poems coming to mind.

The unexpected and completely delightful company of family.

I was trying to liken God to something in nature. I thought of gold for its rarity and purity, brass, marble, diamonds, dirt and grass, etc. Till I realized that my thoughts were idolatrous. God isn't like these things, He created them.

My husband climbed a volcano.