Sunday, August 14, 2011

I'm not that kinda Thomas...

I just deleted the first paragraph I was going to write. It was too sad and I am too unstable for that much emotional goading. I will sum up.

I can understand why people have doubts about God, His love and His plan when something really terrible happens. I am not one of those people but I understand it.

I can understand that type of doubt. What I DON'T understand is the flashes of doubt and rage I have at God. They are SO unreasonable. I am such a BRAT. How can I be so unmoved by His awesomeness that I just despair so quickly?

Marley wakes up every 20-40 minutes every night from 11p to 4am. I am exhausted. I am trying to do everything right and be a loving and supportive mother at 2am. WHY WOULD GOD DO THIS TO ME? I'm in a crazed state of oh-woe-is-me because I am sleep deprived... just like every other mother in the entire world. But unlike the mother in the third world country who is sleep deprived and also starving. Ugh (that ugh is directed at myself).

I pray to God that He will give me a pet Bengal tiger. One that does not poop or need to be fed meat. I pray ALL night. Or at least from around 930 to 10pm. Next day? Nothing. What kinda loving God would deny me such a basic need? (True story. I can still feel the disappointment 20 years later).

I am a crummy friend. Sinful, ungrateful and untrue to a God who loves me to a degree I cannot fathom and for reasons I am too sinful, ungrateful and untrue to know. I am a pain in His holy and proverbial butt. I am as bad as all this but He loves me. He loves me. Even though I fall beneathe His will. He loves me. Jesus I'm so grateful for your Love.

Please click the link and listen.

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