Monday, September 26, 2011

That is how M sees it.

Me: *crying noises*
Marley (from carseat): Are you sad?
Me: Yes. I'm disappointed. (because we missed dance class because of my devil of a cell phone). *more sniffling*
Marley: You need a wipe.
Me: *laughing*
Marley: Are you laughing and sad?
Me: Yes. It's ok to be sad and laugh at the same time.
Marley: That isn't sense.

Friday, September 23, 2011


God sees to my heart and sees where my words cannot go. He holds the pieces of my broken self until I go to Heaven where He can put me back together again. He blesses me over and over. He makes the blind see and see and see. He knows the desires of our innermost being and he does not judge us for them. Gently He guides us. Firmly He guides us.

The ultimate. The Artist for whom it is nothing to cause us to exclaim for joy, gasp with happy surprise, to cry for the aching in our soul, He causes us to long for Him though we may rebel against it. He forgives us our violences, our idolatries, our innumberable offences. He loves each of us for the goodness He sees. He smiles when we do right. The ultimate. I am in awe of His imagination. Praise God!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

One of my fears is what will happen to my kids if I die while they are young. Some of my reasons are noble and some selfish.
I know Bob will continue to be a great parent, he gets better every day (I hope the same is true for me) but Bob isn't a Christian and I want my kids to have a constant presence that provides Christian values and teachings. While Bob gives his best in this arena, he isn't therefore he can't.

Another reason is that my kids won't remember me. I'll be a distant photograph, my reality only occurring during the occasional anecdote.

The other day I was putting Solomon to bed when I was praying for him as he cuddled my neck. It occurred to me that whether I am physically there or not they will have a constant Christian presence just like I do. God himself. He who is, was and is to come. He IS.

As for being unremembered there may be truth to that but in Heaven God will know me and I will be well. I don't know what emotional range there is in Heaven but I believe I will be happy. Worshipping God and finding out all the things I have always longed to know. Then when the time comes I pray that my children will join me in that worship. That God will open their eyes and hearts (and Bob's) and they will see the amazing power of God's love and forgiveness.

The more I know about God the more peace I have.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Marley... What?

Marley and I are laying in my bed in the dark talking.

Marley: I love you forever. FRIENDS FOREVER!
Me: aww
Marley: oops I thought your face was gum.
Me: what?
Marley: were having a slumber party. We can't sleep, we have to talk.
Me: what do we talk about?
Marley: we sleep and we get up and tell our feelings... Can I nurse?
Me: no.

That is word for word exactly how the conversation went.

Solo's bedtime

Last few weeks I have been doing Solo's bedtime without nursing him and the bedtime routine that has resulted is an absolute pleasure. One that I would not relinquish the rights to anytime soon (ever).

I feed him solids and then we nurse out in the hustle bustle of the living room. Shortly after we bid Daddy and Marley goodnight. Hugs and kisses all around and Marley says "Goodnight Mr. Sol-o-man."

Then we go into his room, turn out the light, turn on the white noise and I give him his snarfer (pacifier) and he wraps his arms around my neck and snuggles his face into my hair and neck. Then I sing three verses of Jesus loves me.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the bible tells me so
Little ones to him belong they are weak but he is strong
Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me
The bible tells me so.

Jesus loves us still today
Walking with us on our way
Taking children on his knee
Saying, "Let them come to me"
Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me
The bible tells me so.

And my own made up verse:
Jesus loves us always
Through our nights and through our days
As we work and as we rest
As we build on our new nest
Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me
The bible tells me so.

The whol time I sing he holds me around my neck and pats my arm or back. My heart melts and then becomes solid then melts again. Making a big goopy emotional mommy.

I love him!
I especially love his smile. His teeth are so big and they are spaced out a bit and his grin is SUPER wide and it gives him such a rogueish appearance. Such a beautiful kid.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Tired, happy.

Solomon's birthday was a smashing success. I am not only referring to his experience with his cupcake either. I was not surprised to find I have not one but TWO children who cry when people sing happy birthday to them. We still managed the birthday song, the Duebber birthday song and we experienced for the first time the Winslow birthday song.

We had 200 ball pit balls, meatballs and cake balls. Solomon had a good time and only cried during the aformentioned singing. It was nice to have a party here at the Milford house since I suspect it will be the last chance we have to do it.

Yesterday was also the "10th anniversary" of the tragedy of September 11. I have trouble calling it an anniversary since I associate that word with positive events. I remember sitting in American History class and finding out and watching the news as it happened and seeing the second plane crash into the towers. American history in the making. I did not get on facebook much or watch any TV (easy since we don't have cable) because I think that general media did a scandalous job of covering the "anniversary".

Yesterday was also Bob's mom's birthday. I believe she would have been 58. I remember when she died. I am sorry to have never had a chance to meet her. We have photos and some of the art she created on display (or we did till we packed all decorative items).

Today was Marley's second day of school. I already posted my favorite quotes.

We spent all day working on the new house. It was awesome because we had so much help today! Bobby, myself, Mom, Ralph, Harper, Lafe, Dad all working on one thing or another. We got a lot of painting worked on (the dining room and living room are completely finished!) Marley and Solomon's room are started. The most exciting accomplishment of the day was... the upstairs bathroom has all it's plumbing hooked up and functional! YAYAYAYAY!

No more epic power struggles with bathtub fixtures or fiberglass tubs... ok that is probably not true as there is plenty of tiling and greenwall craziness that is yet to come.
Me: were going to see poppop today.
Marley: he is so awesome! Will we see granny too?
Me: no she is at school.
Marley: does she have her backpack?
Marley: we made caterpillars.
Me: did you tell them about your pet caterpillars?
Marley: I surely did.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, September 11, 2011

That Path Traveled

A pang for something never known and lost
Dreaming of life upon some plane
Where mountains spring where the mind leaps
Rivers roll forth on the whim of fancy
In one moment running top speed through a field
Golden, not on fire, temperate under the sun
Running top speed, no shoes to cover
Pain born better under naivete
Stronger, brazen, curious
Next moment
Solemn, intense and silent
Connected to the earth
Parted by ceremony and dignity
Downcast eyes within a flawless brow
Talents unparalleled and unsung
A song spinning eternally into outer space unknowable but knowing
Last moment
Surrounded by adoration and the smell of September
Supporting another time, those who will be
Through those who are now and those who are going
Those who have left
Appreciated, coddled and laughing
Feathers full out and puffed up for protection
Whether the storm, proceeding despite the danger
Proceeding because of it
Different dreams
Dull aches falling each in their time
Unrealized but not useless
A life made full by flashes of longing

That path traveled only by imagination is never trampled flat. It is new each time and each time a revelation.

Hormone is a four letter word.

I am surprised that in the book of Genesis God says, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

I feel like the real punishment is somewhat different although it may all be part and parcel. It could have gone something like this, "I will make your emotional agony, self loathing and social anxiety unbelievable; with the help of a tidal wave of hormones you will cycle through ages 12-50ish and then it will get even more complicated. Your desire will be for baked goods and revenge and they will make your skin bad and people hate you."

My intention is not to be blasphemous. God knows my heart.
ALSO I know that most of those things are caused by worldly evils but HORMONES DON'T HELP. If you don't understand you're a man. Now shut up and get me some oreos.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Preschool... tomorrow?

Every night I pray with Marley before she goes to sleep and every night I ask her if she has anything special to pray for and her answer EVERY time has been "a squishy window", "a squishy door", "a squishy castle"... Tonight was the first time in months of asking for special bedtime prayers she finally gave a non-squishy answer. "My teacher."

She said she wanted to pray for her teacher!

Bob and I both did bedtime with Marley tonight and Bob told her he was going to make her pancakes for breakfast before her first day of school and she says, "with bacon."

She is sweet but she is spoiled.

I don't know if I have ever documented any details about Bob's job or not but I just want to let it be known for the record. He gets to work from home on Saturdays, they give him a seperate work phone and laptop, he is more rested because he is on a more natural awake during daylight pattern.

more later

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Along the river

I drove down Columbia Parkway, 52 and 50 to get home tonight. I had my windows open because the steamy weather was making visibility difficult. I was rewarded by the smell of rain and the Sycamore trees that line Columbia Parkway. The views of the river, shiny and churning. Late night crews setting up for tomorrow's huge fireworks display. Dispersing crowds of young and young at heart people enjoying the respite from the 90 degree stuff during the day and only a few miles later a coyote ran across the road under a streetlight. Mariemont is the last charming display on the ride until you get to Clermont County. Terrace Park and the hidden paths that lead to Indian Hill lack charm. So concerned are they with their privacy as to disdain even a bikepath. I love my city.