Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Why I quit quitting drinking

So I rarely drink. For New Years I made a resolution to quit drinking entirely. 7 months, no problems. But then I started noticing when I was around people while they were drinking I would have to explain "I don't drink" and sometimes even the why I didn't drink. Now it was actually preferable when someone wanted to know why. Then I could talk about my faith and how I didn't want clouded judgement leading me to behave in a crass way. But it was beginning to become a thing. Causing me to stumble because I was caught up in maintaining that thing rather than really addressing the behavior that I sought to prevent. It wasn't having a drink that caused me to gossip viciously or be lewd. It was the people I was having that drink with. My behavior around them is not what I want for myself. Aside from the physical damage that drinking alcohol causes the real problem was the effect my company was having on my soul. (I don't mean to say anyone besides me was ever responsible for my behavior. Just that theirs influenced mine in a negative way that I was not resisting.) I've decided that it is a situation that I have to draw away from. Not withdraw my love but withdraw my enabling of behaviors that I believe to be ultimately damaging to the body, the soul, and society.

Setting rules for yourself can be important but ultimately it is communication with God and recognizing things within yourself that will keep you on the right path. The letter of the law was blinding me from the truth. I thought I was safe because I followed the rule but really I was missing the essence of the spirit behind it all. To act in a way that glorifies God and does not cause others to stumble.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

These days

Celebrated the two year wedding anniversary this past weekend. It was like going on all the dates we forgot to go on before we were married. Ate lunch together, went to the Art Museum and saw the (highly overrated) Herb Ritts collection, saw Seven Pyschopaths (bogo tickets!) It was wonderful. Ate brunch at Vitor's (thank you city of Cincinnati for the coupon via Recycling rewards!) and that was my favorite part. We listened to all the people around, foodies and traveling business people. Everyone talking about where food is good.
Solomon said his longest sentence a few days ago. "...Mama, I have a butt."
So proud.
We entered a lottery to try to secure Marley a spot in one of the Cincinnati Public magnet schools. Should find out this week if we got one of the 16 spots (8 at Dater, 8 at our second choice SCPA). Not sure what we will do if we got a SCPA spot. There is a good chance we will have to camp for the spot we want, which we are willing (but not prepared) to do.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

If/when I die, show this to my kids.

Marley & Solomon- You are children of God, heirs with Christ and my beloved children too. You must never think you have gone too far or done too much for God to love you because no matter what, if you believe in the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the perfect sacrifice to atone for our sins, then it is good between you and God.
He keeps all of His promises and Jesus said it is accomplished. Meaning your salvation. You have a hope. Be sincere in your belief and let your lives show evidence that you love Him. Love is the actions you take, the words you speak and the thoughts you allow yourself to ruminate on. Be faithful, He will be to you.
Never underestimate what you are able to do because God will strengthen you. You can do all things. You are beautiful. You are wonderful. I have wept with joy looking at your faces. I have seen my mortality and my legacy when I look at you. You look more like your dad but you each have some traits that are like me too. Marley is dreamy and sometimes has to hear something a few times because she cannot be distracted from whatever her imagination is conjuring up. Solomon is energetic and undauntable, a trait that will move one forward if you can also practice patience.
What you do with your lives will become part of God's masterplan for the whole world. Be good guys. Do not let apathy or dogma keep you from caring about others but never sacrifice the truth. Be introspective, be humble, be bold. I have prayed for you since the days you were born. 
Solomon- that you would become a man that would lead others, strong and loving, that you would be a righteous man who genuinely loves God and serves Him, motivated by that love. That you would have generations after you who would be similarly lead, a light in this world.
Marley- that you would not be caught up in the sickness of this world. It is a cruel place for women. You do not need anything this world can offer to make you perfect in the sight of the Lord. Your face, hair, body are all perfect. Your eyes are a pretty blue  and they have shades of lavender in the sunset. Your face is the sweetest I know. I pray that you will know one day the miracle that is having children, that you will abstain from the bickering back-biting that personifies so many of this world's relationships.
Look to God to fufill the sometimes seemingly impossible expectations we learn to put on intimacy. No significant other will ever be able to fill your romantic or familial needs all the time. So go to God when you feel let down, or better yet, before you feel that way.
Neither of you should ever forget how special you are. How cherished you are. You are the greatest blessings I have ever received. I thank God for you both and for the time I have been given to spend with you. It is better fun to think of the great possibilities of your lives than it was to imagine them for mine, so be great!
Smile in pictures, clean up litter even if it isn't yours, be careful in cars; you may feel like you're sitting on a couch but really you're sitting in a giant bullet.
No words to describe my affection for you. I don't know how Heaven can compare to my happy moments with you two but I am looking forward to finding out and then sharing it with you some day.

1 Timothy 1: 15-17
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patienceas an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal,invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Revelation 21

Math Shmath

So there is some song that they use to play on the radio with the lyrics "Because you're a god and I am not."

Not winning any awards with those lyrics (I hope). But I thought of them today as I was studying Probability multipication rule. I was working this one type of problem over and over and over. I tried it maybe 10 times (about 30 minutes) without being able to get the first part of the question answered (it had two parts). I just kept plugging away, trying to make the rule make sense in my head. Finally I just looked up to the ceiling (you know, where God hangs out) and said (aloud) "I cannot do this. You have to do this or this isn't happening. Please help me." Tried again, got the first part right, second part wrong. Tried again (it remixes the stats every attempt) and got it right. Again, right. Again, right. Again, right.

After getting it right the first time I was a little overwhelmed with joy because I had decided I could not move on until after I got it right. I looked back up the ceiling and said (aloud), "You're amazing at this. I am not."


Now I need to apply this prinicple sooner and to every other struggle I come across. God heals things, God makes me able, God strengthens me, God does my math for me! Now if I could just humble myself enough to let Him do the work in my personal life. I had an awful day and all I did was fight Him all day.


For the record, tonight is Solomon's first night with out the snarfer (pacifier) in a long time. He took longer to settle down from the Marley-Solomon gigglefits but no other "problems".

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Taking a break from math homework.

I have been studying my Stats homework even more faithfully since I got a 100% on my second test. I feel more compelled to do well in a subject that I am doing well in. Really supports all those things I have heard about "setting yourself up to succeed" and "math isn't all bad" (but of course, REALLY... it is).

On two occasions today I caught myself engaging in behaviors that just didn't make sense. Those were just the times I caught myself. I am fairly certain that there were more but I'm too weird to notice them. I will share the two I caught.
1. I found myself standing on the toilet seat putting on Bob's deoderant (on myself, not Bob).
2. Sitting on the dryer eating a protein bar, staring out the window.
I find myself in a position where I need to produce a resume and it makes me feel wholly unlike myself. What could I possibly need a resume for?

BUT I DO NEED IT. For an actual purpose and I find the whole situation combination terrifying/exciting. I would imagine the thrill is akin to what some people feel when they ride rollercoasters (all I feel is nauseated).

(fyi I need the resume for an FYE (that instructs one on resume building/writing and job seeking strategies)(such similar acronyms) class and for my co-op coordinator who is going to be working on finding me a position at a middle school here on the good ole' Westsiiiiiide.

Afraid I may end up teaching your kids? You should be.

I am working on my latest fiction project and I must say that I am 27,000 words in and on fire with what is coming next. I have been working on not focusing on what will eventually be cut and just getting everything I want down. One of my professors is an author and has several books published and she had an open forum where we could ask her questions and I thought the best advice she gave was that a best thing an author can do is practice BIC (Butt in Chair).

So that is why I have moved from writing in bed to writing at my desk. Unfortunately my chair and desk are so ill suited that I find myself kneeling at the desk, clacking away.

October, October. Not quite the holidays.
Enjoyed the Sunflower festival with the Deubbers and Goodridges.
Looking forward to Hallzooween and the Duebber Halloween fete.
Celebrating two years of matrimony to the Beard. Strangely enough the hardest year for us financially and the easiest on our relationship (not that relationships are ever actually easy).
Cannot wait for Holiday Junction at the Museum Center either. Ralph & Debbie- you better join us for some Festive Choo-choo buggaloo.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Money. Marriage. Heart

Money is a battle every day. We find our struggles change. Battle for the house. Battle for independence. Battle for food. The goal shifts slightly, the aspect changes, the root is always the same. There is of course a purpose. I just don't know it.
Bob and I have managed to love each other through (from what I can tell) what most people get divorced about (poverty and parenting). I can only believe God keeps us together, because neither  Bob nor I are stoic romantic heroes. I don't mean this to reflect poorly on our relationship,  on the contrary. I think God created a thing of beauty out of something unlovely and I think he did it to serve a great purpose. Whether that manifests tomorrow or in 3 generations I do not know but I'm grateful for the intervention. Bob probably would never put up with me otherwise.

I pray God would open Bob's eyes so that he would recognize what looks like foolishness to the world is actually wisdom.
God lighten the feeling of my heart.  Amen

Monday, October 1, 2012


God I am grateful for...
The melodic sound of wind chimes.
The smell of fresh picked basil.
Almond milk.
Eating lunch with Lindsey.
Doing yoga with Marley and Solomon.
Generous parents.
Pretty fabric.
Sitar music.
Lovable in-laws.
Cloudy skies in the morning so I can drive and see at the same time.
Almond milk.
Marley and Solomon loving each other so well.
Getting to enjoy the hot springs with Mom.

Riding home from school today we were listening to Beethoven's 6th symphony and Marley piped up, "Mama this music/song is blue and pink." I am so proud. She may look and wake-up like Bob but she has some me to her too. :)

I had a revelation that I needed to put Marley and Solomon in the same room at night. It eases my mind because I divide my love and consciousness into anywhere my immediate family is. With Solomon and Marley sleeping in the same room, it gets divided less. This may make no sense to anyone. The first night bedtime was a breeze but had the same sleep disturbances as we have the last few weeks. Bedwetting and angry seeking of snarfers. 3 disruptions in all, 1 of them being prolonged. Tonight bedtime was a breeze again. Disturbances yet to be determined.

Bedtime #1: teeth, toilet, pjs,/spiderman costume, books, praying, Jesus loves me x2.
Then after I left the room they giggled for awhile and then I heard the unmistakable sound of monkeys jumping on beds. Went back in, re-tucked them with a reminder of quiet. They were KO'd two minutes later.

Bedtime #2:  teeth, toilet, pjs,/spiderman costume, books, praying, Jesus loves me x2.
Then after I left the room Marley was teaching Solomon how to talk. Saying words then bidding him to repeat them. She got him to say with very good clarity "I need help." Unsure how that will affect my life. I guess it will be revealed at the same time as the sleep disturbances.

They are both very happy to be in the same room.

I went to a very wonderful wedding this weekend. Krissy Winslow and Nick Rommelfanger had a wonderful and unique ceremony and reception. My favorite things:

1. The bride in full length gown, tiara, veil and heels climbing to the top of a rocky mountain without eating it and managing to look poised and perfect the whole freaking time.
2. The quiet collective laughter when the officiant said the "in sickness and in health" vows because the groom has chicken pox. Which may not be at all amusing to him yet. And in all fairness it would have a very sad event except both the bride and groom handled it perfectly, with grace and reason.
3. The break-dancing 4 year old who was spinning like a 90mph top.
4. The food!
5. The cake!
6. The fact that it was at Shangri La. Which FYI is in the middle of NothingbutCornfields, Indiana.
7. And of course my favorite thing at all weddings... the flower girls.
8. This is a long one. The fact that my father in law Ralph knew what I was talking about when I detailed my harrowing experience that morning. Which involved a brand new bottle of listerine, subtle shifts in fingertip pressure, a geyser, both of my nostrils and pain. It is good to have someone who knows that you may not have been completely to blame for shooting high pressure streams of listerine up your nose.

Ok I am going to listen to those wind chimes now.