Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Future and Fear

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I am not thrilled to be taking science courses (two of them). But this semester I discovered that I can accomplish math courses, with the help of God and no one else. Next semester I hope to discover that some sciences do not have to be a mind-numbing bore. Maybe.
I was SHOCKED to discover I needed additional Arts and Humanities courses. It feels as though I have only taken arts and psychology courses ever. So I enrolled in the Music of the Middle Ages class. I am pretty excited about it because the only music I listen to with any regularity is classical (although sometimes Pandora tricks me into straying). My favorite composers to date: Debussy, Hayden, Borodin. Borodin is especially interesting to me because he was a weekend warrior composer; he was a chemist to pay the bills. It makes brings some realism to the otherwise fantastic. If that makes sense to anyone but me, I don’t kno
So to finish the Associate of Arts I need the two science courses and one arts credit. In addition to those courses Cincinnati State requires a Co-op or internship. The plan is that I do the internship (read: unpaid) because it can be finished in one semester instead of two. This is desirable because it will be in a school and if I don’t finish in spring I will have to wait all summer to finish in fall. With the internship I can finish in spring and graduate in summer.
I am looking forward to the internship. It well help me to make sure this is what I want to do. Hopefully push away any lingering doubts about going into administration or business. Also the networking will be nice, since I don’t know many people in the CPS district and that is where I want to work. I am going for a seminar in literacy training in December with Cincinnati Reads. I am pretty excited about that as well as it will be my first concrete training in teaching.
Today during meditation at yoga I had some very powerful insights. It came to me that many of my problems (both internal and external) are caused by fear. Ex: I nag Bob to find a higher paying job because I worry about bills and food and expenses. I yell at my kids because I am afraid that if I don’t they will grow up to be gang members/inmates/prostitutes/politicians. I turn off the downstairs lights and then sprint up the stairs so nothing gets me.
It is all fear and it is all detrimental to the quality of my life.
Why would I push Bob to return to IT? He HATES IT. I hate when he is miserable. So how could that possibly improve our lives? By paying the bills? That sounds like a secular game of fending off misery with misery. Jesus told me I do not need to worry. If my faith is great why do I doubt that he will provide for me in His way, His time? He has provided for us for years during dire financial hardships. Through the generosity of family, through miraculous timing and other ways could be just called luck. He didn’t have to but He has earned my trust. So I am casting out fear. It may sneak back in. I will cast it out again.
In yoga my mind kept replaying the words “No more fear.” While it may sound like a bad motivational slogan, it really felt freeing. I don’t need fear, I have faith.
Speaking to that point… Bob and a coworker have been in deep discussions about going into a business venture together. A restaurant. Not much new there. Bob is always discussing entrepreneurship with someone. The difference is that they are developing a concrete action plan, writing an actual business plan. On Sunday they are going to view a location downtown. I am not convinced of the location but it has a good history of thriving restaurants. The previous occupants expanded and bought their own space in OTR. We will see. I shall not fear.
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”… If God is for us, who can be against us? From Romans 8
 
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
(last line omitted)
Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear

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