Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I am just going to eat brownie mix and have done with it.

There are inherent risks of being involved with a foodie. The obvious one of course is getting fat.

But some of the problems are not as obvious. My darling husband is a foodie. Some of you think of him as being a guy who enjoys the finer things, others of you happen to know my husband will eat just about anything if you give him a dollar.
Something you might not know is that my husband willingly harbors paranoia towards all things food-related (and politically-related, and woman-related, and Hulk Hogan-related).

He is never happier than when he is sitting in front of a screen playing the latest food conspiracy theory movie. Some movies you know, like Supersize Me and Food Inc. Others are incredibly obscure and low budget (I think he prefers these because the crazier people make them). I take no issue at all with him watching these movies. Do I poke fun at him when he eats the occasional Big Mac? You bet I do! He does not have any apparent qualms with engaging in gastronomical hypocrisy.

Him watching the movies is not the problem. No the problem is he watches them at our house... Where I live. I walk through the living room and suddenly I feel like maybe I might be the worst mother in the world because I gave my kids something truly sinister like... corn.

I can't eat foods with GMOs because I will be eating synthetic poison, I cannot eat organic foods because I will be ingesting organic poison, I can't eat meat because I will then be subscribing to fat-sucking chest-pounding animal murder. I can't eat corn. At all. Ever. Ditto, Wheat.
Chicken will kill you. Potatoes (strawberries, grapes, tomatoes) may or may not be a tool of oppression, Cows should be given the vote. Spinach is good for you.

Wait. What! A food I can eat? Well I CAN eat it but it has to be raw because cooking it just sucks all the good nutritional qualities right out of it rendering it useless intestinal fodder. Well I can just have it in a salad. Of course, a salad.

BUT NO DRESSING AND DON'T YOU DARE PUT EGGS, NUTS, OR CROUTONS ON IT.

EGGS!? Are they good or bad for me this week?
What if they are raised locally? Grain fed? Free range?
What the heck are those eggs doing ranging around anyway?

 So as far as I can tell, the only thing I can eat that will sustain my spiritual, physical and cognitive being is (organic, locally and sustainably harvested)  blueberries. And I think they are gross.

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