Saturday, May 31, 2014

Poetry

"Almost Thirty Must be the New Almost Ninety"

Sitting around; want to write something
If this were the movies, I wouldn't be watching it
Because I hate that @#$*
Pumped up emotions
Stroking our delicate sensitivities
Slow music manipulating us in the background

Sadness: the trillion dollar industry
We're sad because we're alone, we're too fat, we're too ugly
So we go out, we work out, we buy products

I just want to feel my feelings
Long and hard and dramatically
Instead of working through them
I'll let my best friend Adele coax me to new heights
Of emotional lows

It's appropriate that my standards
(For romance and depth of feeling)
Are set by vampires, vulcans and werewolves
Because this level of reality is false
My understanding of my personal value
Is false

This year we pledge to alienate ourselves
To display histrionically the insincere passions of our hearts
We will drink to excess and destroy any life preserving inhibitions
We may yet possess
The most complex and intricately designed falsehoods
Will knot between us
Holding us together, keeping us apart.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Abide

I want to long for you the way I long to be a child again in the throes of summer. Abide in me, and I in you.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Oh what a night

"I think I know how to make a baby. Can I have that piece of paper?" -Marley

And earlier this evening...

"Does God have teeth?" -Solomon

And I'm not sure what Sage Marie is actually thinking but I'm pretty sure it is something along the lines of, "I can't sleep or eat, I just gotta spinnnnnnn!!"

"...and God saith, ‘Let light be;’ and light is."
Genesis 1:3 YLT
The most basic elements of reality are obedient to God.

Myself, the kids

Whilst camping my phone mysteriously shut off with the battery half full. I couldn't get it to go back on. When I got home it began working again.
...

"That idiot is not driving safe." -Solomon
...

Marley is capable of deep and thoughtful logic. Logic that is both sensible and kind. Can't believe she's going into first grade in just a couple months. A woman who was working at SVDP today called her a gentle spirit.
...

Art in the outbox makes my soul feel energized. What can I do next?
...

Marley woke me up one morning by saying the following. "I'm going to be pretty again today. Pretty takes a price for cats. Women are like cats, a lot of cats don't like water."

...what?
...

So through a miscalculation in trying to buy my nieces' and nephews' love, I ended up with a full box of cookies at my house. I was on my third cookie when I realized I had to do something or I was going to eat the whole box in one sitting. But then I realized that if I didn't eat the whole box then I was just going to eat more cookies the next day. So I ate the whole box so I can behave tomorrow.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Smile

I could smile at Sage while she smiles back and be a happy woman.
I could watch Solo ride his bike and be a happy woman.
I could get glimpses of the way Marley's mind works and be a happy woman.

Choosing to be a happy woman today.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Blessings

Just in the past few weeks...

I love my dog again.
I've gained some perspective on some of my fears.
My ant infestation was in the dishwasher.
I can shower and user the toilet indoors!
My darlings are primarily good to each other and uncommonly kind.
My darlings still act and speak like young children.
I have a ton of access to the bible and scholarly resources for when I need clarification, inspiration, destination, or salvation. ;)
Place that passes understanding.
This hot weather! I have shade!
A purpose made clear for now.
Family who make a big it a point to be the change they want to see in the world.
A car that works.
A calm attitude during ordeals.
Adjusted personal needs!!! Thank you God!!
Fellowship. Bravery. Kindness.

And for a good joke in times of need...

Marley: maybe you'll get adopted!
Meghyn: I'm too old to be adopted
Marley: Awwww I'm sure someone will want you.
....
Asher: (staring at two month old Sage) I hope it's a boy.

New Jerusalem (update one of two)

Experiencing so much joy this week. Not because I'm getting to do what I want but because I can feel this connectedness with God and with his purpose for my life (the right now part).

Joy is coming from the moments when I triumph over my initial reactions. Wanting to join in the hurtful jokes, getting the last word, landing the punchline... I have not been perfect but I've been more aware than I have been in years, so when I fail, I know; I care too.

It's allowed me to love my husband, my children, family, and others better than I have ever before. To get past the feelings of regret, embarrassment, rejection, bitterness, unfairness, disgust, and even loathing faster than ever before. Though nothing on the surface appears to have changed, I am!

My path is put before me. The obstacles are unknown but the outcome is certain.

Thank you Heavenly Father!
For this embarrassingly religious turn in my life. For the pedestrian and foolish path you have set me on. For helping me weather the storm of derision and mockery from those I wish would love me best. For this feeling in my heart that I am safe. For my parents and sisters!
For the 10,000 mistakes that led me where I am today.
For the humility that comes from asking for help, creating a softer heart in me.
I did nothing to deserve You.
You are mighty and creative and all the things I value.
Your ways are not our ways.

Good sustain this joy, allow me to serve humbly.
I love you!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Thankful

I feel like God has really been cracking down on me these last two weeks. I just keep feeling so convicted on things. Like when I was tempted to lie to spare feelings or to save embarrassment, about not making jokes at the expense of my husband (even though they are hiiiilarious ;) and he never seems to mind). Oh and gossiping. Which is harder to quit than I'd imagined.

But despite these feelings of being edited in a major way, it makes me feel good. Yes, I need change but someone loves me enough to work on me. Humans don't live long but yet he thinks we're worth working on.

I've been praying for a clear path in what I should be doing now to further God's work and he has provided. Through twilight observations (halfway awake, halfway asleep) and the devotional I read with Marley. It wasn't a long term picture like I long for, but the short term has been made clear. Praise God! Living in the moment!

Sunday, May 18, 2014

An email to Bob

So I know this is easier said than done but you should try to banish any thoughts about work on your off days. Its like me and winter. Sometimes I feel like I can't enjoy spring and summer because I know winter will come again no matter what.
We have to enjoy the days were given to enjoy and then we have to learn to enjoy those other days too (like work days and winter days). Maybe we can do it together. :)

Here's some of what happened today.

We went to church at the Duebber's church.

We found what appeared to be a rabbit hole. But upon some further inspection (aka me sticking my phone down in it so I could photograph what was out of sight around the bend) turns out it was not a rabbit hole but some type of old pipe.

There was one spot in the yard that if you stood in it (like in the photograph I took of the house) it was 25 degrees hotter. The reflection off our bedroom window was intense. I wonder how much hotter it would be when it's not 60 degrees. Hopefully it doesn't set the garage on fire.

Marley made sculpture.

This conversation happened while I spun them on the hammock.
Marley: stop!
Me: OK.
Marley: No, not you stop. I was telling my intestine to stop. It was getting afraid.

The two oldest darlings and I played treasure hunt with a handful of those glittery rocks I made for Marley's birthday. Trusty fresh succubi. I just wrote that last sentence on accident because I was wiping off the tablet screen.
Marley said she was a fairy and her power was truth. Solomon was a cat fairy.

I rudely interrupted a cat who was licking itself grotesquely on the front porch.

So I guess you could say it was a pretty perfect day except one major problem. No Bob. Love you. Miss your face.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Grace finds a way.

I had myself convinced for a long while that I was doing myself and my kids a favor by being very firm with rules and by carrying through with punishments for every rule infringement.

Recently I read an article about parenting and it reminded me that I am not just parenting. I'm not just a mom who is raising little citizens. I am charged with training them up in the way that they should go. I was forgiven and saved by grace DESPITE my constant rule infringement.

So, I am letting more grace slip into my parenting. More gentle forgiveness, more understanding of the human condition, more reflection of the beautiful man who is God and sacrificed himself for me and for them.

Even though I want my kids to learn to sleep in their own beds and to rest when bedtime comes, I will let them come and talk to me about their day and their fears. Even though it is their bedtime and I want some me time, even though I want to slip into the kitchen and sneak junk food, even though they've been acting like jerks all day. I will choose to love them and be compassionate, to forgive them because God forgave me and not because I have had me time.


Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's day

Being a good mom is hard.

Looking at your child and missing yesterday even while being excited about tomorrow is hard.

Glad I had an excellent patient, graceful model to learn from. Thanks mom. And happy birthday to my dad. Who must have been a heckuva great mother's day gift for his mom.