Monday, June 30, 2014

What I like about me.. (The mini series)

That I notice fireflies.

That I keep incense burning because houses should have smells.

That inspiration occurs to me suddenly and forcefully.

That the stars and sunsets make me ache inside.

Art for arts' sake.

Next in this series: Why Marley likes herself.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Step by step you lead me.

I wish I could freeze time.
...

In the deep part of night, when it seems every soul but mine is sleeping
At the beginning of day when my pillow finally begins to release its hold
When lunchtime comes and everyone is hungry but we can not come up with an acceptable meal
When we want to be alone
When we want to be surrounded by people
In our most intimate moments
While our interests are piqued
As we struggle to care at all
During the realization that everything is lost
Or the understanding that it never was found to begin with

He is there.

When we bore ourselves
At the moments our patience snaps
When our overstimulated minds cry for silence
He is there.

Gentling. Comforting. Providing. Counseling. Judging. Forgiving.
He is there.
...

Each part of me declares it, simple fact.
I'm afraid that people will hurt me.
I do not like to be alone.
So how shall I resolve it
By going out or by staying at home?

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Pie all the things.

I have a (massive) visual project in the works.
I have a word project in the works.
I have an entrepreneurial project in the works.
I am working on getting back to the level of fitness I like.
I continue to walk with God and learn about His will for me.

Excerpt:

"He looked up as he walked into the meeting room I was told to wait in.“What are you doing?” He asked.“Resting.”“You’re laying on the floor.”“Laying on the table made me feel prone.”“How did sitting in a chair like an adult make you feel?”“Tired.”

I have given up on learning French for now. But if the French can't be understanding of a sacrifice made in the name of art, who will?
C'est la vie.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Today

Marley, Sage, Solo & I just watched The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe together. They were not afraid, Marley seemed to understand when I explained the parallels with the New Testament. Solo seemed to think it was OK that polar bears were on the side of evil.

Time flies when you have darlings. So, so fast.
...
Marley and Aimee are BFF's and it is the best thing I never want to take for granted.
...
Sage turned three months today (going by date and not weeks, just clarifying).
...
Today a MAJOR step was taken toward me opening up my own business. Major.
...

Still working on writing my latest idea. 17,000 words and counting. It would be more but some mornings the best thing you can do for your project is erase what you did the night before.

Excerpt.

“Hello.”
“I just saw you walk in your front door.”
“That would be really creepy if I hadn’t seen your car parked at the Y.”
“I’m getting ready to talk to Primo again.”
“You mean Billy?”
“I am not calling him that.”
“Catherine. You have to. It’s his name. It isn’t like it’s some questionable nickname that borders on being mildly offensive.”
“You mean like Stinky Sam?”
“You call someone Stinky Sam?”
“Yeah, but it never occurred to me he might not like it.”
“Well, why do you call him that?”
“Because his name is Sam and he smells like egg salad all the time.”
I thought about it. “That could go either way. Probably he’s just happy to have some attention.”
“See that’s what I thought. Anyway, I just wanted to call you while I finished working up a perfect sheen of sweat before I talk to him. I’m going now.”

“See you.”

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Tuesday is Tuesday

I just caught myself thinking: "I'm glad I don't have to watch myself make a website. It would be so boring!"

Hmm.
...

Sometimes I am reasonable. Sometimes I feel guilty because my adorable 3.5 man child can't play gameboy roms because he can't read.
...

I put extra strength antiperspirant on and now I have weird dry places on my body which is otherwise soaked in sweat.
...

I should spend more time with the people I miss most often.
...

Marley will be a celebrity chef (if she wants to). Her desire and ability to cook is... Not like mine.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Unperturbed wisdom

Solomon: There are two flowers.
Me: Where?
Solomon: By the sidewalk, in the grass.
Me: Where?
Solomon points.
Me: I don't see them.
Solomon walks over and stands over them while pointing.

They were dandelions. My eyes didn't recognize them as flowers. How sad is that? There were two flowers.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Got jokes.

Me: *reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe*
Marley: I'm Lucy.
Me: Good, because she's the best character.
Marley: So am I.
...

Me: *singing* Oh Yahweh, hear our cry...
Sage Marie: *starts crying*

Friday, June 13, 2014

I'm getting older too.

Tonight I'm lonely for the not so distant past. When in the middle of the night Solo would get out of his bed and come running full speed into our room in the dark. I'd be woken up by the sound of him getting out of bed and his diaper rustling as he ran.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Oh I get it!

Watching Beakman's World and the rat made a joke and Marley and Solo started laughing very loudly. I was nursing Sage and she stopped to listen to their laughter then began laughing herself. Adorable.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

A pair of times

It's probably no coincidence that the two moments where I felt the most baffled, helpless, and unsure happened within a week of each other.

1. Being offered a c-section which ultimately ended up not being an option but necessary.

2. Solomon's wrenching stomach pains.


Get in your row Mallard!

Yesterday was Marley's first lesson of the summer swim session. It is her 6th swim lesson session, 2nd time as an eel. She swam four strokes by herself! Of course she did it four seconds after I confided to the mom sitting next to me that she couldn't swim at all alone.
..
Solomon was only able to identify the letter S and O as of two weeks ago and now he is getting L, M, E, F. Look out preschool here he comes!
..
Sage is a thumbsucker. It is so very, very cute. I shudder for my pictures in the future though, we'll never see her mouth again. 
..
I met with my NKU advisor and I finally have a doable plan for returning to school (first time at NKU) in the fall. All three of my classes are labelled SWK (Social Work). I am pretty excited, especially about the ethics class. Also the advisor seemed very confident (she was sure) in my ability to be accepted into the program formally after my completion of the three classes. I've worked hard to undo the terrible things I did to my GPA ten years ago and the evidence is finally becoming clear. Thank you God for giving me the strength!
..
I have been faithfully working on my book (the latest attempt, so many projects abandoned) and I am beyond pleased with it. Even if it ends up abandoned it is a joy to write.

Excerpt: 

I have been coming to this gym for years (except January, I never come in January) and despite all those years, I still feel like a big lost doofus when I walk in the gym doors. I am almost positive that everyone in the room is looking at me and they all know I am a big faker. I’m clearly not an athlete, I subscribe to exactly zero health magazines, and I would be more likely to win an eating contest than a running contest. The nice thing about going to the gym with a friend is that I still feel like a doofus but at least I am a doofus who clearly has friends.“So what angle do you think I should try?”Catherine had been talking, I had been letting the fog thicken in my brain.“For what?”“To start the conversation with Primo.”“Oh, um… what were my options again?”“I am either a fitness buff who wants to talk shop or a fitness novice that needs direction.”“Well, how much do you really know about fitness?”“I know it’s good to have an elevated heart rate, but not too elevated.”“Because you’d die.”“Right.”“Well if that is all you know I would go with novice, since… you are one.”“What if he remembers seeing me before?”“Then he will know for sure that you’re a novice.”We scanned our membership cards and smiled at the woman behind the desk. She half smiled at us while she chewed her blt.“Yum. I love BLT’s.” I gazed longingly at the overly large portion of bread, bacon and mayonnaise which might not have had any actual lettuce or tomato on it.“Focus.”“I’m being a novice. A novice who loves BLT and suffers from a lack of actual meals in her life.” I felt sorry for me.“He’s here!”“Of course he’s here. That’s why we’re here.”We approached the double glass doors and Catherine held open one side for me. I clipped the other door with my shoulder on the way in. Caroline said quietly, “You’re doing a great job. You almost were able to walk through a door without incident.”“I’m no stranger to sarcasm Madame Novice.”“Actually I decided I am going to go with fitness buff. It just isn’t my style to play the part of the clueless woman in need of instruction.”“Nevermind the fact that you are a clueless woman in need of instruction.”“The ability to improvise is a skill every lawyer needs.”“Does improvisation mean lying?”And there was Primo. A medium height powerhouse of well distributed muscle. His YMCA polo was filled to perfection. His blonde hair was built for speed and style. He gave us a head nod and a smile and I could see in the mirrors that lined every wall that Catherine was smiling back, making all manners of eye contact. We found treadmills and proceeded to tread vigorously nowhere. I told Catherine about the changes at work and she told me about the latest courtroom gossip, some of which required a degree in criminal justice to understand. "So the bailiff and the stenographer are dating?""No. The stenographer is a 70 year old woman and the bailiff is studying to be a shaman.""Oh." Clearly I had heard that wrong.After 45 minutes of this Catherine decided to make her move. "I'm going to do this before I actually sweat.""Good call. What's your opener?""I'm going to ask him if he likes to do cardio or weights first or if he likes to switch it up.""And which do you prefer?""I'll let you know," she said as she walked away.And so my vigorous treading continued alone. I felt a little like Frodo trudging on alone towards Mt. Doom, but mostly I just felt like a doofus.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Third child

You know what's nice about having a third child?

I'm more relaxed. I accept that some risks are worth taking (the baby may wake up from her nap while I sneak a shower but she'll be ok for ten minutes); some risks are not worth taking (cranky unrested baby will ruin proposed dining out plan, just skip it); some things are not actually risks at all (approximately 0 children have been removed from their homes by social workers because they watched pbs all day while their mom worked on a difficult school assignment) and some things are risks (no letting older children cosleep next to baby!)

My reaction to a stimulus is exactly that. MY REACTION. No one makes me do what I do. I am what I do. I can choose to be calm, I can choose to be relaxed, I can choose to respond with grace... Or not. But it's a lot easier to do that when you don't feel that fear of not knowing what you're doing or whether or not you are capable of doing it at all. I have a 5 & three quarters year old so I can definitely take care of a three year old. I've had two three year olds, I must be able to care for a baby..

These are only a few things I love about having added a third child to our family.

But, frankly, Sage Marie the tiger cub makes it pretty easy. <3

Friday, June 6, 2014

Fond memories: dork

I was going through every happy memory I could recall just now and I realized that some of them are in such places as the Valkurm Dunes and Qufim Island.

Lovely places if you like leveling your toon in FFXI.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Poetry

I make a small noise
It is a largely-joyful tiny noise

I feel this crazed need, this nearly consuming but entirely invisible
Need to always be young, always be able
To sit outside in the summer, sweat dripping down
To hear the faraway birds, long to fly myself
Thinking there could possibly still be time.

Though I'm burning to live all the different choices I could have made
I love where the choices I chose and those I didn't
Have led me.

They have faces now, my choices.

There are lives sprung up from my romance, the flowers of my makeshift garden.
"Help me have a better best to do for these", I plead.
I make a small noise
It is a largely-joyful tiny noise.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

A more accurate portrayal


I already wrote this post and then accidentally deleted it, so I will briefly sum up.
You probably couldn't tell it from my previous post. But today was actually pretty great. Which is why I really resent all those bad memories replaying themselves for no acceptable reason.
Marley went to nature camp.
The rest of us laid in bed listening to the rain.
Bob made us breakfast.
Dad came over and the two Bobs combined fixed the shower! Yay!
Marley came home and when Bob went to work, the darlings and I went to the museum center.
We played at the water tables, in "the woods", in the sand area, in the cave.
Marley liked the ancient Egyptian sarcophagus.
The weather was in the grips of a severe identity crisis and the result was beautiful.
We went to the first ever Findlay Market farm stand four doors down at St. James.
Sugar snap peas. Strawberries. Grateful Grahams (local tasty Graham crackers).
Because of their equipment malfunction, we were given our items free.
The strawberries were gone in five minutes after getting home.
Watched Clone Wars movie.
Read Matilda, the challenged called The Trunchbull.
The breeze is breezing.
The wind chimes are tinkling.

Childish

Why is it that life's most traumatic moments are the ones that remain so clear in memory as time passes?

When you find out someone has died; when you're confronted; when you are violated; when you see something you never chose to see, when you witness something you never wanted to happen...

Is it because we replay those moments in our minds more often than the happy times? Sometimes I really wish there was a pill to forget. So that those terrible times would go away like the rest of the memories or so it would be almost like they never happened.

Going to pick three memories to remember every day. In case that works, in case that forces out the bad stuff.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Milestones

After a week of obsessive practice Sage Marie rolled on her own in one swift violent motion into my face.

Good going you.

She's also grasping all the things she can get her hands on. I feel at this point she should be able to get a job.

She weighs 12#7oz. And is in the 99 percentile for height. Although do they update that chart? I'm skeptical.
...

Solomon now knows the letters s, o, and l. Next up is m (big surprise there).
...

Marley now reads entire picture books to us. Her current favorite is Even Monsters.

She's at nature camp this week at Dater.
...

And yesterday we invented a holiday called Summer Thanksgiving because we had a turkey in our freezer.