Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas time is here

Happiness and cheer. 
I'm so glad that I have a loving family and good health during the holidays. My good health flagged somewhat in the middle of the night last night.  I woke up with a lot of nausea and a headache.  I was getting out of bed when I happened to look out the window.  I had to sit back down as I took in the view.  It was breathtaking.  The nearly full moon, clouds moving swiftly between us.  I couldn't look away and I couldn't help but think how such beauty was well worth the otherwise unwelcome wake-up call.  it gave me a thankful heart.

Eventually I couldn't put off getting up,  but when I returned the view was still beautiful though shifted further into the treeline.  Better still,  the mild weather meant my window was open and I could lay upside in my bed and feel the breeze on my face and watch the moon and clouds till they set.

Trying to take a photo produced a pale reflection of the scene, as is usual for night photos, especially ones of the moon.

Friday, November 20, 2015

With the words of my... hands...

So many good things that God does for me. I don't know how to talk about them because I am embarassed, afraid.

Look what God has done:

Bob works for a Christian man who loves God and cares for Bob first as a human being and not just as an asset. When the girls and I were in a car accident and we needed Bob to pick us up, Bryan told Bob to take his (Bryan's) car and to take the rest of the day off. That is not a standard benefit. God I am grateful.

I live in a country where I am not counted as a criminal (just a fool) for the way I believe. I can worship my God in public and not fear.

I get to homeschool a gentle, wise, and cooperative person whom I love. My children are healthy and have enough to eat each day. It is more than enough.

My parents have given me many gifts of their wisdom and they allow me, in many ways, to live a life richer and fuller than I otherwise could. My childhood is full of happy memories of companionship, laughs, wrestling, and God's loving guidance. So many have their roots planted in abuse and loneliness and have to wait a long time to be replanted in the good earth of God's comfort and mercy.
God permitted me to have faithful parents. I am thankful.

My husband permits me to raise our children in a faith he does not agree with. He sees it is important to me and does not naysay it. I am thankful.

There is more. A lot more. But its not for here; not right now.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

He's there

Tomorrow look at the clouds and know that God placed them there.

God continued, "My covenant is between me and you and every living thing with you. It is a covenant for all time to come. "Here is the sign of the covenant I am making. I have put my rainbow in the clouds. It will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Sometimes when I bring clouds over the earth, a rainbow will appear in them. Then I will remember my covenant between me and you and every kind of living thing. The waters will never become a flood to destroy all life again.
Genesis 9:12-15 NIRV
.....

Marley: I wish the Duebbers lived at our house.
Solo : Than there would be TWO grownups!

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Good

My little dog tracks my every move by staring at me through her eyebrows. sage might actually believe that she is a fish. Solomon has started to pick up on the beginning of literacy and he is on fire with it. he cannot get enough of reading to other people.  finding a good book to read really cuts in on my sleep. I am thrilled to have the problem that I do not know if I should read a book work on my painting or continue to stare helplessly at the outline that I am working on for my writing project. I am composing this with voice to text because I am so sick of this tiny keyboard. We had a fire today and we had to fight tooth and nail for it because all of the wood was wet. but with enough accelerant any wood will burn. Bob gave each of the kids a wheelbarrow ride in the dark. they were thrilled, so was I.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

My kids

Sage has nine teeth with her tenth about to break through any day.
Today she sang in a breathy singsong voice, "let it go."
She says, "Thank you Daddy", "hi there birdies", "Lulu no! Lulu go!"
She is eating for Crispix for breakfast this week.
She loves to way goodbye to Solo and Bob as they leave in the morning.
She loves ritual. The more steps, the better. I believe it is because she likes to be right and prediction of things counts.
When she hugs me it is like dawn breaking.
She is a messy, messy kid and she will eat pretty much anything. Especially non food items.
She loves to hold Solomon's hand in the car.
She loves going to the green township library and drinking at the water fountain and playing on the kid computers (hitting the keyboard while wearing headphones).

....

Solomon likes to watch football with Bob. I suspect that it's because of the unalloyed pleasure it clearly gives Bob.
Solo loves Skylanders, Star Wars, Skylanders.
Solomon struggles with hearing things the first time.
He has a wonderful heart and always watches to make sure everyone is ok and safe and doing what's allowed.
Solomon's face is very flexible.
Solo closes his eyes when he smiles.
My heart hurts when I look at him and I feel the urge to improve myself for his sake.
Solo hates to have messy hands.
Solo is moved to tearful sympathy when movie characters suffer. (Eg. Girl gets temporarily seperate from her mom in the movie 'Home'.)
....

Marley is in the state's  98th percentile for reading and language arts.
She loves graphic novels.
She takes social injustice very, very personally.
She wants to be a scientist, a ballerina, a writer, a spy.
Marley's wisdom has saved my day many times in the past.
Her memory is very good. She can playback violin notes without reading them.
Marley replies slowly when asked questions and the world often rushes her, me included. This is our bad, not her's.
Marley loves crazy socks.
Marley almost always wants to wear her hair down.
Marley loves chapstick and lipgloss.
...

My children are very wonderful and exasperating. They are much better than I am.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Projection

The grass where I sit has been clipped low. Just a little higher than the top of my hand, my palm laid flat against the ground, fingers spread. There is a herd of unperturbed, healthy horses nearby. That explains the short grass. I smile. I can hear the gentle sounds of their teeth, working their food. Some of them look at me, I look at them, and they go back to their grazing. Not afraid, neither am I.

There are trees nearby. Sometimes a breeze blows their leaves into a wild chorus, eventually shushing itself quiet again. There are flowers.  No neat and tidy rows; only the reckless, sweet assymetry I use to see in the early spring.  It makes my heart feel full now. I do not feel the subtle longing to pick them and carry them with me. I love them where they are and I know there will be more. Their scent reaches me.

And I do take breaths. And I do feel hunger. But the hunger isn't pitched or anxious. It is anticipation and the comfort of knowing deeply within, that needs will be met perfectly, at exactly the right moment.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Pumpkins

Once when checking out at the grocery store with my baby Marley, I miscalculated and had to put back the little pumpkin I had picked up because i couldn't afford it. The man behind me in line caught up with us in the parking lot and handed me the pumpkin, he'd paid for it. He wanted to make sure my little girl had a pumpkin. His kindness blew my mind, it still does. Probably the money was nothing to him but it was brave. I could have gotten angry or rejected him.

We went to the farm today and we rode on a hayride and we each picked out a pumpkin and I didn't feel tense or stressed at all. It felt very extravagant and good. And I was very much reminded of that man's kindness. I pray I can find the bravery that kindness many times requires.

I'm just feeling so thankful.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Self-prescribed

The unexamined life might not be worth living.  I guess it depends on how you define the words and under what context, etc.

For me, the life without witnesses is stagnation. I can examine myself day and night; actions and thoughts and motivations broken down into their smallest parts and the minutiae put under a microscope. But still some development  is born of wisdom from an outsider's perspective. 

Though I study and consider and strive to discern what the better part of wisdom is; though I actively pursue improvement and growth. If I never have someone to stop (upon witnessing me immersed in my follies) (of which, there are many and often) and admit to me that I am making a mistake... I stagnate.

I am human and excel in lying to myself. I cannot see, blinded by love for the petty god of my existence, the failings that persist in my everyday, my every-hour.

It is a condition I have inflicted on myself. I have carefully and painstakingly constructed walls to insure my alienation. Like a politician, I am ever mindful of what  public availability I allow. Permitting only vulnerabilities that allow for superficial contact.

Every titled and numbered sin, I have committed. Every one. And those sins too complex and subtle to be named with surety, I have committed too.

And by grace of God and the gift of faith, I know that my failings will not seperate me from my Creator. My spirit is redeemed by the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The holy spirit groans within me for what is needful, far beyond my understanding.

My life is pale; the known world is sad and broken; there is no hope in the world, save one. But it is a sure hope. We do not wait to see if, only when.

And for now, my pale life stagnates for lack of fellowship. My worship is crippled by my fear.

God give me strength. God, make me brave! Prepare me and make able my heart to do the work that you have laid out for me.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

This life

I don't have the words and I don't understand. I am thankful.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Thanks

Sometimes I remember, while I look at my kids, to thank God that life isn't fair.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Solo

I was going to write an acrostic poem in honor of Solomon's birthday but I don't know that many o- words.

Solomon is five and he's into Skylanders, gymnastics, dancing, baby management. He hates "gross" movies (movies with anything even remotely scary like Big Baby in Toy Story or with sadness). Solo would be glad to sleep till 10 most days. He loves to be with me at work at the YMCA and he likes to follow a routine. After school he tells me how his day was, who had a bad day and didn't follow ground rules, and what he ate for lunch.

At night he likes to read books, read devotionals, pray and sing our song.

"Where ever you go, whatever you do; I'm always going to come back for you."

I love to cuddle him even though he digs his chin directly into my neck. His enthusiasm to be held and to hold back helps to alleviate the pain... a little.
He makes me smile often because he's always smiling. God has made joy his nature and I am thankful for him.


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Summer sweet

Last day of summer. Too soon! Our pencils are sharpened, hearts eager and yet a little hesitant too.

We're making summer farewell cake and watching the Phantom Tollbooth.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

This.

Drifting away from God's will feels like treading water upside down.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Kids

Marley and Solo taking gymnastics is a thrill to watch.

Solo required zero instruction (aside from a little Mommy pep talk at the very beginning) to ride a two wheeler. He just CAN do it. Marley only required two sessions to get the hang of it.

Sage loves to sing "Yes, Jesus loves me."

I love them all. It hurts.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

A great day

This morning the breeze coming in my windows woke me up. It was catching the curtains and they were fluttering by my bed. Bob was still home so I cuddled him for a few minutes before he went to find himself coffee.

Marley, Solo, Sage and I  took a democratic vote and chose to go to the zoo instead of the museum. So did the rest of the citizens of Cincinnati. Once we managed to get through a sea of traffic we found ourselves in St. Bernard and beyond the zoo crowds.

We went to Spring Grove cemetery. It was wonderful. Perfect breezes, perfect clouds, old trees, young perspectives.

We saw carp that were longer than my armspan. A red eared slider came swimming over to us. I've never seen such a friendly turtle. 

We read headstones and looked for baby girl names for my niece. Solo had me read everything with visible words on it. Including sewer grates.

After we had a picnic and looked around a mausoleum we picnicked at when Solomon was three weeks old. We got back in the car and I asked them what their favorite names were and Marley said Anna and I said Margaret and Annie and Solo said... Hooker.

Note: Hooker was a last name on a big monument that caught his eye. 

... still hilarious.

Then later I got to go on a date with my darling Marley. We got fancied up and ate at Kaze OTR. We had sushi and pork belly buns and Ramen and it was awesome. She was excited and charming and we valeted and got Holtsman doughnuts.

Then up to the Incline district and enjoyed the view of the sunset on the city.

Oh and we listened to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in the car.

Then I got home and Solo, Bob, Marley and I ate doughnuts and Solo fell asleep in my arms (it took about 18 seconds).

Beautiful.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Seven years old

Marley is seven.  Prior to this month I didn't realize that seven is considered a milestone year.  All of the mothers in my July 2008 birth club are pining for time to slow and wondering how its all gone so fast. 

If I hadn't witnessed this pining over and over on Facebook every day this month, multiple times a day I would not have realized this was even a thing. Because my now seven year old is still the gentle, insightful girl she's been since the day she got over being a slightly handsy but adorable toddler who liked to pull hair.  She likes magic and sparkles and showmanship.  She values kindness and the difficulty that comes with being a good guy (or at least a good guy most of the time). She likes shows and books and people who make her smile.  Values sentiment and familiar comfort; doesn't value market value. 

She is still the best big sister I've ever seen.
She still sleeps with a snow cap of Bob's either on her head or if it's too hot laying by her head on the pillow.

Marley is very special and I am blessed to have her in my life.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Priorities

Tonight I feel vulnerable and unable to compartmentalize my feelings.  Rage, sadness, guilt, fear,  gratitude...  all at the same time and all full strength. 

It occurs to me anew that this world and my God are at war and though victory will certainly be His, my children are at stake. 

I must decrease and He must increase because I have no strength of my own to win this fight.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

I know my life is blessed. I have been given much I don't and will never deserve.
But I still don't care for the world I live in.

Into the night

Man puts fireworks in the sky to gaze at in manipulated wonder. The smoke blots out the light reflecting from the moon.

Man's condition.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Falling far

So far from the original creation we've come.

Progress right?

The incessant buzz from the highway.
The ringing in my ears that never stops or goes away though I rarely notice it at all.
The dryness that permeates, only the air is moist and sticks to the flesh uncomfortably.
I make great effort to relax my spine when I must sleep. So accustomed to crouching or standing rigidly.
I'm trained to expect my own sleep space, resentment from infringement.
I do not understand love though I'm made to seek it.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Luciernaga

Me: You need to leave your lightning bug outside.
Solo: (watches it fly off his finger into the yard) Where will it go now?
Me: It will use its light to find its love and they'll move into a little lightning bug mobile home and have lightning bug babies.
Solo: Oh. (pauses) That's boring.

Classic human. He can't imagine a lightning bug leading a better and fuller existence living out its designed purpose instead of hanging out with him.

#mouthesofbabes

Friday, June 19, 2015

Light reflections

What meaningful description of light can be given
To someone who has lived always in darkness?
Words can explain the science, put adjectives to the experience; but how pitiful do the words compare to the reality?
So than the meaning must come from actions.
You cannot describe light and do it justice.
So you must show them light.
The warmth of it, the way it reveals the things and people around you, it's qualities of being both intangible and yet concrete.
Things that must be shown not told.

Do not yell at the madman to see sense.
Do not beat the murderer to teach him mercy.
Do not attempt to keep light to yourself.
For that is darkness.
Be, instead the model of logic, of mercy.

Show them as it was shown to you.
Plead for mercy for your fellows
Those who have lived their lives in darkness.
Our hope is assured and that hope serves as mirror.
Stand and reflect, act and reflect.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Things

In Heaven during my worship of God, I will lay down, my face on the ground and I will still be able to breath through both nostrils.
...

Call me an impressionist but I believe that in art it is the form and feeling that creates beauty, not the reality. Anyone who has sketched a human smile will agree.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Psalm

Struggling against bonds unseen
Giving everything I have
It will not be enough
The failure will, at best, be less consistent
But You
You put it in the wind and I hear my name
My true name.
The One who made me has made it right between us.
It is enough
It is unbearable to contemplate what it cost, but enough it was
And it is accomplished.
My back and arms shake under their burdens, my will collapses
But the promises of God are kept
He will not yield His child to the enemy.
Gentle are the arms that calm and shield this child
Steady is His comfort.
Constant: His mercy.
Thank you Father.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Little things

Teaching kids about sacrificial giving is difficult. At Christmas some of the gifts that were given were wrapped in this pretty metallic paper. I salvaged it because I loved it. I love reusing stuff to make things, but God put it on my heart that I needed to give it to him. Yes, the wrapping paper which had no value to anyone but me. But how do I give wrapping paper to God? The bible doesn't cover this. Should I throw it away? Recycle it? Donate it? Burn it? I folded it up and hid it where I couldn't look at it. Now in June God has given me a purpose for it. To glorify Him. I have been seeking ways to teach my kids about sacrificial giving and the project I came up with is something like geocaching. Essentially we are making little treasure chests, each of us donating a treasure. Then we "hide" it, hopefully to be found by an interested party. So my fancy pretty paper is being used to type bible verses for our treasure chests. I was going to include a picture but decided that would defeat the purpose. Praise God for the whispers in the wind.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

psalm

Darkness and the weight of the ocean
Protect creatures and depths, I cannot see.
I will die never seeing
But I will put my toes into the surf
The cold of this pittance of water will shock me
Though it stretches from one edge of the visible horizon to the other
I will not see it all, nor know it in my heart

Exhausted, so much so as to make turning on the light too great an effort
I make my way in the dark to my bed, my place for rest
And though tired I will pause at the bedroom window
Senses shocked at the unexpected brilliance
The clear night sky affords this weary soul a view of a thousand burning jewels
The moon, reflecting the sun's light gently, lovely yet dulled
Heartbreaking beauty, so remote and silent
Though I long for closeness, distance though varied is  constant
Always very far, always out of reach.

Billions of people on earth and billions of people before them.
I will know only some few of these
And these few I know I will not know well.
Our hearts are mysteries like the depths, distant as stars.
Though we love, it is a less faithful copy
Than the sun's light reflected in the moon.

A Creator of immeasurable wisdom
Who made life and taught it how to continue
Who trained up the vine and kept the bee buzzing around the flower
Who made seeds, and stars, and water, and people too.
Who whispered a breath into the dust and brought forth a man
The first vapor in a long line of breezes who believe they are hurricanes
Though they are too small to lift a single hair out of place.
This mighty Creator, more complex and expansive than the universe
He who poured the waters into the systems of life that carry on, despite the lack of human understanding
He who knew our souls before our ancestors existed

How Great is our Creator?
He is mighty and ancient and always
His power is the reality of the magic our feeble minds can scarce believe
There is no ritual worth doing except to glorify Him
No fear will be rewarded lest the fear is for the Lord.
I do not want the wrath of my Creator.
Show mercy on us Lord.
We do not see the ocean floor, cannot close the distance between us and the stars,
Nor the space that lay between our human hearts.
Show mercy on us Lord.
You have made us heirs, give us the will to glorify You.
And to You let us bring all honor.
Amen.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Goodbye Metropole.

It was Bob's last shift at Metropole today. I daresay that it will not be missed until enough time has passed to blur the memories with the patina of nostalgia. It's been an interesting experience. The man who longs to leave I.T. to cook, does and does an excellent job of it.

When people hear that Bob's been working in the kitchen, they usually comment about hard that is on family. Sure, it is. But not harder than I.T. was. Poorer by far, sure, but better.

As Bob moves to his new gig I stand in wonder of God's endless ingenuity over ways to bless my family.  Things seen, things unseen. Some of it so plain, some revealed over time. The character that adversity builds is strong and I am thankful.

God,
Thank you for providing for us, for keeping us safe; for surrounding us with love and people who love you.

Give me the desire of my heart Father.
Forgive me for being so rotten at times, so underhanded. Make me want what You want.
Amen

Thursday, May 28, 2015

In summer...

It's the eve before the first official day of summer break and I am so happy and excited I can't sleep, because I'm a belly sleeper and sleeping with a smile smashed into your pillow feels weird.

Tomorrow the library and grocery store with three darlings in tow. It feels like a privilege- and it is!

After weeks with terrible fatigue I think I may be getting some energy back. Hope it continues to return. Jocular adventures are best served with healthy levels of  energy.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Solo-scaping

Solo has a face that is unnaturally maleable. Bob has named it Solo-scaping. Marley made her attempt but she just managed to be adorable.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Love

It seems pretty dumb to swoon over a man who will chase you down in an airport when the creator of the universe, the one who deeply understands all of  the law, let a part of himself die to make things right between us.

That's love.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Celebrate

My kids were too excited to sleep this morning. They couldn't wait to give me gifts for mother's day. But they still let me sleep till almost 9 and than brought me up a bowl of muesli with extra dates and raisins and almond milk and a handful of cards and flowers they picked from the grass. So beautiful and charming and funny.

Everyone came over for late brunch and Bob did a great job putting together six quiches, a casserole. Lovely.

Tonight after Bob read some bedtime books, Marley, Solo and I were looking out the window, smelling the insane delicious tree scent coming in from the backyard and listening to the cardinal who was at the top of the tree singing like crazy. And we talked about being birds that can fly where ever we want and pooping on cars... Ok the conversation might have been a little weird, but the air smelled good and the sunset was pretty.

I love being a mom!

And I love all the other moms in my life. My mom being foremost of course. Thanks Mom!
And remembering my grandmas that I got  to know, wondering about those I didn't.

So Happy Mother's Day! And Happy Birthday Dad!

Monday, April 27, 2015

Speak and give

So the Five Love Languages has been a very popular book for awhile. I read it when Marley was a baby and I remember thinking that for something that tried to simplify something extremely complicated, it did a pretty good job. It basically states that we all give love in  different ways and that we want to receive love in different ways and that we should work to identify the appropriate way to express love to each other to fill each other's "love tank".

Tonight I was reading Romans 3 and that book came to mind.

It's as though the way God gives love (or speaks love) is through the sacrifice of His son. The way we can give or speak love back is with the law. We demonstrate our love by attempting to remain true to the law. I love you and Your word is perfect so I will obey.

This is how my brain understands the relationship (and has for a long time) I believe it's correct. I have found nothing yet to refute it in the Bible.

Romans 3:10-30 NIRV

It is written, "No one is right with God, no one at all.  No one understands. No one trusts in God.  All of them have turned away. They have all become worthless. No one does anything good, no one at all." (Psalms 14:1-3; 53:1-3; Ecclesiastes 7:20)  "Their throats are like open graves. With their tongues they tell lies." (Psalm 5:9) "The words from their lips are like the poison of a snake." (Psalm 140:3)  "Their mouths are full of curses and bitterness." (Psalm 10:7)  "They run quickly to commit murder.  They leave a trail of failure and pain.  They do not know the way of peace." (Isaiah 59:7,8)  "They don't have any respect for God." (Psalm 36:1)  What the law says, it says to those who are ruled by the law. Its purpose is to shut every mouth and make the whole world accountable to God. So it can't be said that anyone will be made right with God by obeying the law. Not at all! The law makes us more aware of our sin.  But now God has shown us how to become right with him. The Law and the Prophets give witness to this. It has nothing to do with obeying the law. We are made right with God by putting our faith in Jesus Christ. That happens to all who believe. It is no different for the Jews than for anyone else. Everyone has sinned. No one measures up to God's glory. The free gift of God's grace makes all of us right with him. Christ Jesus paid the price to set us free. God gave him as a sacrifice to pay for sins. So he forgives the sins of those who have faith in his blood. God did all of that to prove that he is fair. Because of his mercy he did not punish people for the sins they had committed before Jesus died for them. God did that to prove in our own time that he is fair. He proved that he is right. He also made right with himself those who believe in Jesus.  So who can brag? No one! Are people saved by obeying the law? Not at all! They are saved because of their faith. We firmly believe that people are made right with God because of their faith. They are not saved by obeying the law.  Is God the God of Jews only? Isn't he also the God of those who aren't Jews? Yes, he is their God too. There is only one God. When those who are circumcised believe in him, he makes them right with himself. When those who are not circumcised believe in him, he also makes them right with himself.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Awe

The colours of the sunset, the smell of spring flowers, the rush of the wind in the trees, the glitter of fresh snow. All amazing.

None of those stop me in my tracks the way a sky full of stars do. The crescent moon barely visible above the trees. A subject that inspires awe and confidence in artists. Here is something simple and beautiful, that encompasses both an immeasurably large scale of grandness and yet demonstrates the importance of tiny detail. Look closely at any part of God's creation and you will find this to be true. But for me, it's the night sky that brings me to tears. He loves me. The moon is perfectly aligned, wobbling and spinning in space, keeping my life from hurtling hellbent into the sun. The brightness reflecting into the time of darkness to give hope and yet so gentle...

In Heaven there will be no night. The Lord will be the light. I will not miss the night, nor the moon or stars because of the awe and love I will feel while worshipping the Lord. Right now, I cannot comprehend it, loving a place without this amazing sight. Cannot and yet I say, with every confidence, that I long for that place with no night sky.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Dunno

It doesn't matter how many resources I have because God's power is infinite.
...
Personal freedom is important but not to the exclusion of other things; like the freedom of others or what I believe in. Things that are worth dying for, are also worth living for.
...
The thing I'm supposed to be doing isn't always easier than what I'm already doing.
...
The love and support of the person who trains you is easy to taste for granted.
...
Making jokes about my personal flaws makes it harder to change them.
...
Sometimes I have to engage in conversation when I don't want to because I love the person who is talking.
...
I have to love people who lie to me and insult my intelligence. I love them because God loved me and because I have my own flaws.
...

Sometimes I spend money to make myself feel better, but because the amounts are so tiny I have been able to justify it. Because "retail therapy" is a joke, I have not tried to change.
...

I find it difficult to not make lewd jokes. Because it used to be how I got attention. If you were not the prettiest you were supposed to be funny and if it had shock value, even better.
...

I am vain. Very vain.
...
I get super angry when hungry, tired, hormonal, getting yelled at. I use it as an excuse to yell at people.
...
I judge people who don't parent like I do. I try not to most of the time. Sometimes I fail.
...
These are some things that have come up for me lately. I'm in a weird place in my personal development. I certainly feel like I am on the cusp. That sounds like a positive description but it isn't meant to be. Something needs to change. Stagnation is death. I'm not bored, I'm not obviously backsliding, I'm not progressing. The gentle spirit eludes me.
I'm deeply blessed and my life is amazing. I will start with gratitude tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Shiny

'This world perfect.'
There needs to be a word for that. As good as it gets sounds so negative.

The last couple of days have been perfect. Waking up slow with a jumble of kids in my bed, eating breakfast, doing outside chores, having imagination adventures, painting for pleasure, health (not counting the colds), hot dogs, watermelon, time to read together, sunshine, mild weather, breeze, bonfires. Famiiiiily. I'm so blessed to have one that I love and that loves me. Thank you Father!

Solo : What do you think made dinosaurs distinct? Do you think they got hit by a car? Or were they jumping on their bed? Maybe they got stabbed by a sword...

Bob: (while discussing his outdoor plans) I have to quit calling it a garden. It's a farm with borders.

You heard it first here folks. Jumping on the bed can make you distinct and Bob is a border farmer.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Sage's First Birthday

The fact that it has been now a year and a couple of days since the moment I found out that I, me, myself was going to be delivering my third darling via c-section is full crazy.

It cannot have been that long. Government conspiracy. God is messing with me. Sheer lunacy.

Or maybe it has been that long since she has now begun taking those tentative steps, says words, even strings some words together ('bye-bye' and 'hi there' counts).

What do I know about Sage?

Whatever she wants me to know.
Her emotions are intense and immediate. She is the most possessive non-adult I have ever met. She loves meatballs and raisins (yes, I know, choking hazards, so tasty though...). Her laugh sounds like it comes from somewhere deeper inside the body than laughs typically come from. She likes to dance but prefers to laugh at other people when they dance. When she hears clapping she knows that it is directed toward and in appreciation of her. She may have strawberry blonde hair.

She's a HANDFUL. Two, in fact.
It's not a secret that the baby stage is hard for my go go go personality. But she has been a delight and I've been blessed to have a baby who actually sleeps. I am terrified to be at the point in her life where I have to start teaching her things, things that involve actual teaching and not just redirection.