Friday, October 9, 2015

Self-prescribed

The unexamined life might not be worth living.  I guess it depends on how you define the words and under what context, etc.

For me, the life without witnesses is stagnation. I can examine myself day and night; actions and thoughts and motivations broken down into their smallest parts and the minutiae put under a microscope. But still some development  is born of wisdom from an outsider's perspective. 

Though I study and consider and strive to discern what the better part of wisdom is; though I actively pursue improvement and growth. If I never have someone to stop (upon witnessing me immersed in my follies) (of which, there are many and often) and admit to me that I am making a mistake... I stagnate.

I am human and excel in lying to myself. I cannot see, blinded by love for the petty god of my existence, the failings that persist in my everyday, my every-hour.

It is a condition I have inflicted on myself. I have carefully and painstakingly constructed walls to insure my alienation. Like a politician, I am ever mindful of what  public availability I allow. Permitting only vulnerabilities that allow for superficial contact.

Every titled and numbered sin, I have committed. Every one. And those sins too complex and subtle to be named with surety, I have committed too.

And by grace of God and the gift of faith, I know that my failings will not seperate me from my Creator. My spirit is redeemed by the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The holy spirit groans within me for what is needful, far beyond my understanding.

My life is pale; the known world is sad and broken; there is no hope in the world, save one. But it is a sure hope. We do not wait to see if, only when.

And for now, my pale life stagnates for lack of fellowship. My worship is crippled by my fear.

God give me strength. God, make me brave! Prepare me and make able my heart to do the work that you have laid out for me.

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