Saturday, July 16, 2016

Letting the brain just go here.

I keep finding my brain in a funk. Not feeling the urge to move on any projects, no pressing things i really have to do, not enough energy to take some great leap in any particular direction. Not hungry, not excited about eating even my favorite foods. Tired but not grumpy. Experience makes me believe that I must be depressed. But I don't actually feel depressed. I wonder of it could be boredom. If it is, I can't be sure of it. I keep busy enough, have enough company.

Is there something I'm meant to be doing that I am not? Am I doing something I shouldn't?

Reading the Bible, there is obvious direction. It's a relief.
...

Bob and I finally went over our lives and our budgets. For the first time we are without government assistance and still able to breath without anxiety overcoming. We're finally going to be able to pay off our debts and buy doughnuts our Saturday. Our budgeting was overdue because we realized that we had more money free than usual but barely noticing because we didn't examine our lives more closely. That problem is now resolved. I am so thankful to God for keeping us together, through a mortgage that was 75% of our income, through bankruptcy, through the loss of our home, our incomes,  through the charitable love we've received from family and friends. And now through this rise back up in the pay scale. Being able to pay for our own food, to give money back to those who have helped us. I pray that the humility and perspective we have gained, doesn't flee from us. God can work with anything to achieve anything He chooses. I must have faith in this. God give me faith and thank you for dealing so mercifully and kindly with this child.
...

Marley has turned 8. She didn't ask permission. Where is she now? She's a thoughtful and generous spirit. She loves justice and getting her own way. She loves romantic things, but not the mushy stuff. She loves magic tricks, girl power, and physical activity. She loves animals. She wants a cat and a bunny and a guinea pig... And a pony... And a chihuahua.

She deserves all that stuff. But because o love her, I won't give it to her... At least not all of it at once. And never a rabbit... Probably.

She's taught me to listen harder, lover better, yell less. She makes me want to be a better person and a better mom. More of a Miss Honey and less of a Trunchbull because I'll never be a Matilda.

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