Monday, August 14, 2017
I cannot backup my blogger blog because the email I use to login is the secondary email on the account and the primary email I do not have access to. I tried to regain access to it but was rebuffed, being unable to provide the necessary information.
I couldn't backup the old livejournal account because I couldn't access that same email or the one prior to it. So it's copy and paste and or nothing.
It feels stupid to have to give up on this. But I cannot find any loopholes to jump through to success. It sucks.
Thursday, August 10, 2017
It's easy to say thank you to God when you do not have a rebellious teenager under your roof.
It's easy to say thank you to God when you are in an unbroken relationship.
It's easy to say thank you to God when you have sufficient food for the day.
Then the kids won't give you a minute to think.
Then the dog eats some of the chicken.
Then you're tired.
Then your spouse is too busy to love you.
And there is no thanks said to God
Or no thanks felt.
And we rebel.
And we fail to seek Him.
And then I fail to seek Him.
The thanks become a distant truth that I resent.
And I fail to seek Him.
A hundred decisions a day, a thousand thoughts and how many spared for Him?
More complex than science, more magical than destiny, the Creator of the stars.
And no thanks felt in my heart
As I live by the power of His mercy
On the very threshold of his throne room
Awaiting entrance, I am an arrogant fool.
And when I die and I am flush full of the awareness and power of His glory and how very far short I have measured in deservedness
He will look at me
The One who knew me before my mother knew me, before I knew myself
The One who is and was and always will be
The eternal One
He will look at me and I will be saved
Because He will not see me but Jesus.
I am not fit
Even when I am humbled to my knees and appalled with what depths I am certainly capable of in heart, in mind, and in speech.
When I remember to pray, to read, to choose wisely
To have a gentle spirit and be merciful.
It is a poor offering.
But the One looks at me and sees Him and I am saved.
Thankful am I that the Holy Spirit in me cries out.
Thankful am I that I am being saved.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
1. That when Bob and I die we would spend eternity together praising the maker of the universe.
2. That my parents would know fully how humbled and amazed and appreciated their love and care has made me feel.
3. That I had a pair of thermal imaging goggles.
In that order.
Friday, July 28, 2017
When something doesn't feel right; when I feel like a pale imitation of what I want to be. I need to read the Bible more or better. It helps me rake all the worldly fake gladness from the real source of joy in my life.
Friday, July 21, 2017
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Earlier today I was sitting on my parents' porch and looking into the trees and thought of my other grandmother.
It's amazing where human lives lead. That though we've fallen, God holds us to Him. That through the miracle and blessing of motherhood we can experience so much living and joy, even while existing in the middle of a dark foggy world that seems hopeless and groping all the time.
That even our suffering is not in vain. If we are remembered by many or few after we die, eventually no human will recall us, or know our smell. But the Creator of the Universe has purpose for us and spoke our world into existence and populated it with creatures He loves, though they deny Him.
I guess I still feel lonely. Though the Father attends me with the Spirit. I'm sad for the losses of my kith and kin to time. I'm in dread of the time I have left, full of loss as it will be. I know the comfort of hope, but I am not yet surrounded by the comfort of home, where pain and tears will be forgotten memories.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Friday, July 14, 2017
She was the first person I ever smoked a cigarette with or tried drugs with. Our friendship was less close after I went away for a time to boarding school. It could have been that I stayed close to her, became as dependent on drugs for satisfaction. She wasn't really so different from me. God used my circumstances and my parents to keep me from that life and that death. I keep thinking about her, wishing I had kept in touch and also glad I didn't. Thankful that the rabbit hole didn't keep me buried.
I'm sad for her and her kids and her parents. I'm thankful for mine. I didn't deserve the mercy I was shown, I don't deserve it. Now I pray that all this ruminating and sadness I feel for her will be of use. That God will help me find a way to turn this inside feeling to help myself, my kids, and others to escape that life and death that took her.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
My little sister is going to have a baby. Soon she gets to meet a person who will teach her a whole new set of emotions and how to weave them together into a whole new way of life. I am thrilled for her and Plamen. I am thrilled for our whole family. The feelings I have about my newest nibbling mirror those I have about Marley's 9th birthday. God's gentler blessings are grand and wonderful. It is so easy to take for granted but close inspection reveals it for the miracle it is.
Our God, we look forward to praising you in Zion.
We will keep our promises to you.
All people will come to you,
because you hear and answer prayer.
When our sins became too much for us,
you forgave our lawless acts.
Blessed are those you choose
and bring near to worship you.
You bring us into the courtyards of your holy temple.
There in your house we are filled with all kinds of good things.
God our Savior, you answer us with right and wonderful deeds.
People all over the world and beyond the farthest oceans
put their hope in you.
You formed the mountains by your power.
You showed how strong you are.
You calmed the oceans and their roaring waves.
You calmed the angry words and actions of the nations.
Everyone on earth is amazed at the wonderful things you have done.
What you do makes people from one end of the earth to the other sing for joy.
You take care of the land and water it.
You make it able to grow many crops.
You fill your streams with water.
You do that to provide the people with grain.
That’s what you have decided to do for the land.
You water its rows.
You smooth out its bumps.
You soften it with showers.
And you bless its crops.
You bring the year to a close with huge crops.
You provide more than enough food.
The grass grows thick even in the desert.
The hills are dressed with gladness.
The meadows are covered with flocks and herds.
The valleys are dressed with grain.
They sing and shout for joy.
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Drinking coffee with Sage and Bob at a teeny adorable coffee shop while Marley attends a gardening class and Solo a mixed media class on scholarship.
Dappled morning light on the ferns.
My mother posting her age publicly on FB, causing shock and disbelief in her daughters. We're inspired.
My mother turning 70 (can I post that here?) My kids writing paragraphs about Gigi as an assignment.
Marley being told she can pick out a dog from the pound. Stipulations: not too old, no double coat. She chose the quiet, shy dog who had been there twice as long as the others (her first choice was 7 and had a double coat AND got adopted while we were there). She made a great choice. Perfect dog for Marley. I'm making efforts to not play alpha too much. Marley wanted to name her Meme, but that's my name so I objected. So she named her Juniper (Junie) Ravenclaw. She wrote a book prior to this about a girl and her dog named Junip. Solo and sage have been calling her "Junifer".
Firm knowledge that I share genes with my mother.
Sage has been very cuddley for 3 days without being sick.
Solo divided his pokemon cards and card holding pages into two and found an empty binder to make sage her own pokemon collection.
Sage insisting Grandpa Bob hold her like a baby just like in her baby pictures.
I had my first cup of coffee in 3 days this morning.
Bob had a super in depth assessment at work and impressed the guy by leaps and bounds. He's an irreplaceable asset. (I already knew that) (Also the test showed that Bob takes on too much stress and doesn't handle it well) (already knew that too).
I'm trying to not let people I don't like, make me less likable.
Lulu sleeps at the foot of my bed every night.
The kids and I have been doing a better job reading the Bible, not just talking about it, each day.
Friday, June 30, 2017
Also I was wearing shorts I will never wear again because I never actually wanted anyone to see them but now people have. Also I was carrying a painting roller on an extension rod. I looked like trailer trash Bo Peep and it was still a wonderful magic moment.
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
1 Peter 5:8-9
You know what my problem is when I read verses like this is? I don't relate them to myself. My problems are so insubstantial, so mundane, so pedestrian. I don't see any lions waiting for me. Today I had a few verbal misunderstandings with a couple of people on noncrucial topics. I encountered a lot of grump unless. My car was making a whistling noise. Now I'm grouchy because I was tired of being the only person not grouchy.
I know those verses are for me. So I'll be on my guard. I'll try to shrug off this mantle of gloom because it isn't mine. The mantle of hope is mine.
... sorry for the mixed metaphors.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
My low/angry points in my hormone cycle essentially boil down to my hormones getting the best of my sense of humor.
I'm getting better at connecting to the natural world around me. This is because my head is out of my own butt most of the time and I'm taking the time to stay in one place. Taking the time to fall in love.
If the human race would all agree to stop with the constant showering and soaping we would all be a lot more human to each other and mind it a whole lot less.
I don't like having my base reality disrupted. It's easier to bear when it is for my children or a very fun activity. Even then it puts me well off balance for a long time. Like I need to reset, which is accomplished by not being disrupted for awhile. This sounds like I'm describing basic introversion but I don't think that's it. Socializing with random persons who fit inside my base reality is joyful for me. I want to talk to people in my neighborhood, in my ymca, in my grocery store, in my church. I'm not always good at it, but I like it and it doesn't disrupt me. It's going to a different neighborhood, a different ymca, a different grocery store (I shudder at that one) that I dislike.
Guess I'm a status quo homebody with classic human control issues. I'm hoping that more aging will bring with it more wisdom and I will get over this need to control.
Marley picked up a printed portion of my blog last week, it was written around the time she was 1, she read a bit and said, "This is hilarious." I told her she could read it all when she was 18.
Saturday, June 17, 2017
I know this is a parallel of what God has done for each believer through Jesus. But sometimes I forget that I'm not a Hebrew in the Promised Land. I'm in the desert. This isn't my final destination. I am walking with my family, free from slavery but not free from life's harms.
Sunday, June 11, 2017
We are finishing up two weeks of no scheduled activities. It was wonderful.
Back to "work". Which is also a joy.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
I am more capable of love now than before I was married or when I was first married. 10 years together with Bob and I am only now in the last couple years beginning to feel the ACTUAL meaning of love. As I realize that love isn't something that just happens but is something you choose, it actually feels even more unbreakable, more unflappable as a choice than it did as something inevitable or inescapable.
When love was happening to me it felt like something intangible and impossible to hold on to. But now I choose to love Bob and I know that it is my decisions and my reactions that determine my love for him. Not his decisions or actions and not predestination.
I'm thankful for Jesus' example, for the gift of faith and how it has taught me better to love Bob. I am thankful to my parents for their example. Love in an imperfect world with two imperfect people as an echo of the perfect love from a perfect God.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
Though their bodies of work would indicate that they were both post-impressionists (or cubist) painters they are Mexican painters. Is this a huge outrage? No. They ARE Mexican painters and both bodies of work were very important to their time and their country. It is a tiny symptom of the larger problem of unequal treatment. Equal treatment is of course, impossible, however, should be treated carefully, especially if you have one of the top three google search results.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
While the kids were away at the Duebs, Vegas the Crested Gecko decided it was time to lay her first clutch. The kids and I were in the "sleeping room" this morning when I spotted the eggs sticking out of the substrate in the nesting box. So pleased! Perfect white ovals. In 80-130 days we will see how it goes. ;)
We are working on a multiple step project at the Winslow Manse. Moving Marley and Solo into the third floor bedrooms. I'm not ready emotionally. I know I'm lame, I'm still letting them. Is it weird that I'm feeling extra crazy about window safety? Shouldn't I be crazy about the second floor windows too?
Sage (thoughtfully): red means stop and green means go!
Me: that's right Sage. Good.
Sage (yelling): So no cows running in the street!
Marley: Um Sage I think you're tired.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Meg: Let's talk about that.
Solomon: Like at night when I wake up and I need to go to the bathroom and I come downstairs and everyone else is asleep and I go to the bathroom and I don't know if I should flush or not because it might wake people up.
Me: ... neither of those are sin. In fact it probably pleases God that you are thinking about other people's needs.
Solomon: *look of deep relief*
Me: This is why we read our bible... Erm... one reason.
Sage comes around the corner from her room into mine and starts crawling into my bed.
Me: What are you doing?
Sage: Coming to cuddle you.
She hunkers down between Bob and I and a few minutes pass. She lifts up her head suddenly and says, "Let's go to my room. Daddy is too loud."
I'm not sure why his snoring doesn't bother me but I'm thankful it doesn't! Sleeping with Sage is dangerous due to all the elbows and headbutting.
Sage wants to be Catboy from PJ Masks but her favorite super hero move is "Owl wind".
She wants to play trumpet like "my bwudduh Sodo.".
She loves to tell people about her day even if it's her day from last week.
She likes to have control and order and to understand the order.
She will taste anything once and maybe twice if we tell her not to.
Her birthday was a week and a half ago and she kept telling everyone it was birthday. We kept correcting her and now she's telling people, "My birthday is over. I'm having another one in an hour." Except she means in a year.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
I feel sad. I don't want to talk about with anyone because my happiness far outweighs my sadness and I know I'm being silly. I don't take rejection or meanness well. I really don't. Maybe because I don't get it pointed at me very much, maybe because I'm sensitive at times or to certain types of people. Meanness makes me want to quit. Even though I know the meanness is wrong. Other people have feelings and they hear you, even if you're not using words.
You don't have to be fake nice and insincere, just try not to be mean. Jeez.
Yes, yes, yes. The meager suffering of my heart today is not for nothing. It teaches. The humility it gives, the lessons it drives home. It isn't for nothing. Even petty meanness can be used by God for the enrichment of His people. So that they can be enriching to their surroundings. Not static, not bitter. God makes us better, suffering is not for nothing.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
I needed to bring the substrate high enough so that it would be more in line with the view-able area (as in the glass areas). That way if the geckos were on the floor of the enclosure, they would be visible if I were sitting nearby. I needed lighting and I needed to decorate it in a way that provided multiple horizontal and vertical perches. Multiple geckos means you need to provide multiple places of safety or they might compete or fail to thrive in general.
I considered painting a mural and decided not to because it would be a pain to seal it enough to resist the daily water misting my pets require. I considered a few other options: fabric, tapestry, yarn streamers (they look very cool if you use thick yarn in a natural bamboo-like color). Then I went to the bathroom and BEHOLD! My shower curtain. My tacky-but-who-cares shower curtain depicting a photograph of a jungle scene. Perfect. Waterproof, easy, jungle-tastic. Like a scene straight from New Caledonia. Of course I had to replace my shower curtain in case I decided to shower sometime.
When using great stuff as a substrate you can use it to anchor your structural elements (like limbs) if they are not too heavy.
What I used:three large cans of Great Stuff, a serrated steak knife that I use for crafts, a thick plastic drinking cup.
I also stuck three dried limbs into the foam to serve as trees. (Only two pictured). I jammed the third one in after the foam had dried.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Some times kids are really good at playing together in make believe games and sometimes they're not. Some times they stop pretending themselves and just tell the other people to do all the pretending for them.
During those make believe games, playing becomes more like lazy, displaced, thinly veiled bragging. Most of those such games I witness or listen to contain one or more of the following themes (even if the exact wording is a little different):
A. "Pretend that I was the most awesome at what we are about to pretend to do and that you didn't know and that when we do do what we're going to do you are visibly surprised and delighted with how awesome I am."
B. "Pretend you think that I died and that you're VERY sorry that I'm dead. But I'm not dead."
C. "Pretend there were werewolves/volcanoes/snakes/pirates/parents/wizards and that I saved you and you're grateful."
D. "Pretend that you underestimated me and then I greatly exceeded your expectations and everyone else's too... by a lot."
E. "Pretend that I hadn't eaten in several weeks and I was very hungry and bearing it with great stoicism despite my obvious discomfort. And you had loads of food the whole time and upon realizing the tragic unfairness you attempt to feed me some of your food." (Usually followed by theme B.)
F. "Pretend I killed you."
G. "Pretend my muscles bulge a great deal when I move even slightly."
H. Pretend that everyone can't stop thinking about how preternaturally gifted/strong/accurate/pretty I am.
There are more. So many more. But that's all I have for now.