Friday, July 28, 2017

A bit

Art history is all fun and games until you read about someone like Caravaggio. Yick.

When something doesn't feel right; when I feel like a pale imitation of what I want to be. I need to read the Bible more or better. It helps me rake all the worldly fake gladness from the real source of joy in my life.

Friday, July 21, 2017

A nice 3 nearly often.

Sage just walked down two flights of stairs in the dark to tell me that Marley's cough sounded worst and that she thought Marley needed med-sen. Then she told me, "On Saturday when I was a baby Grandpa Bob was holding me and I had a cough."

Marley appreciated when Sage and I showed up with the med-sen. 

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

In the center- the waiting.

I grabbed a washcloth today and for a moment I could smell my grandma's house as it had been when she was alive and sound of mind. It made me feel 100 years old and a million miles from home. Sad and happy and hopeful and lonely.

Earlier today I was sitting on my parents' porch and looking into the trees and thought of my other grandmother.

It's amazing where human lives lead. That though we've fallen, God holds us to Him. That through the miracle and blessing of motherhood we can experience so much living and joy, even while existing in the middle of a dark foggy world that seems hopeless and groping all the time.

That even our suffering is not in vain.  If we are remembered by many or few after we die, eventually no human will recall us, or know our smell. But the Creator of the Universe has purpose for us and spoke our world into existence and populated it with creatures He loves, though they deny Him.

I guess I still feel lonely. Though the Father attends me with the Spirit. I'm sad for the losses of my kith and kin to time. I'm in dread of the time I have left, full of loss as it will be. I know the comfort of hope,  but I am not yet surrounded by the comfort of home, where pain and tears will be forgotten memories.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

More lovely

The word of GOD is liking being under a clear sky,  standing in the full sun but not being burned. Like viewing every small part and act of spring renewal and every potential this world has for beauty, all at once. I cannot grasp it or see it for myself. The spirit discerns it and gives it to me like a gift beyond comprehendable value. Praise GOD forever.

Friday, July 14, 2017


A girl who was my friend in elementary and middle school died a few weeks ago. Prior to her death she was very addicted to drugs and living a lifestyle that rendered her unfit to keep her own children. Her body was eventually weakened and poisoned to the point of death. When I knew her she was goofy, loved to make people laugh, and loved to receive attention. I lost touch with her after high school except very occasional facebook talks. I am just now able to put it into words instead of randomly breaking down in tears.

She was the first person I ever smoked a cigarette with or tried drugs with. Our friendship was less close after I went away for a time to boarding school. It could have been that I stayed close to her, became as dependent on drugs for satisfaction. She wasn't really so different from me. God used my circumstances and my parents to keep me from that life and that death. I keep thinking about her, wishing I had kept in touch and also glad I didn't. Thankful that the rabbit hole didn't keep me buried.

I'm sad for her and her kids and her parents. I'm thankful for mine. I didn't deserve the mercy I was shown, I don't deserve it. Now I pray that all this ruminating and sadness I feel for her will be of use. That God will help me find a way to turn this inside feeling to help myself, my kids, and others to escape that life and death that took her.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Love stories playing out

The other day I posted about all the sweet things going on and missed one. It's easy to forget the major stuff because you know you will remember it. It makes sense, in terms of journaling, I assure you.

My little sister is going to have a baby. Soon she gets to meet a person who will teach her a whole new set of emotions and how to weave them together into a whole new way of life. I am thrilled for her and Plamen. I am thrilled for our whole family. The feelings I have about my newest nibbling mirror those I have about Marley's 9th birthday. God's gentler blessings are grand and wonderful. It is so easy to take for granted but close inspection reveals it for the miracle it is.

Psalm 65
Our God, we look forward to praising you in Zion.
    We will keep our promises to you.
All people will come to you,
    because you hear and answer prayer.
When our sins became too much for us,
    you forgave our lawless acts.
Blessed are those you choose
    and bring near to worship you.
You bring us into the courtyards of your holy temple.
    There in your house we are filled with all kinds of good things.
God our Savior, you answer us with right and wonderful deeds.
People all over the world and beyond the farthest oceans
    put their hope in you.
You formed the mountains by your power.
    You showed how strong you are.

You calmed the oceans and their roaring waves.
    You calmed the angry words and actions of the nations.
Everyone on earth is amazed at the wonderful things you have done.
    What you do makes people from one end of the earth to the other sing for joy.
You take care of the land and water it.
    You make it able to grow many crops.
You fill your streams with water.
    You do that to provide the people with grain.
    That’s what you have decided to do for the land.
You water its rows.
    You smooth out its bumps.
You soften it with showers.
    And you bless its crops.
You bring the year to a close with huge crops.
    You provide more than enough food.
The grass grows thick even in the desert.
    The hills are dressed with gladness.
The meadows are covered with flocks and herds.
    The valleys are dressed with grain.
    They sing and shout for joy.

Saturday, July 8, 2017


So many things this week...

Drinking coffee with Sage and Bob at a teeny adorable coffee shop while Marley attends a gardening class and Solo a mixed media class on scholarship.
Dappled morning light on the ferns.
My mother posting her age publicly on FB, causing shock and disbelief in her daughters. We're inspired.
My mother turning 70 (can I post that here?) My kids writing paragraphs about Gigi as an assignment.

Marley being told she can pick out a dog from the pound. Stipulations: not too old, no double coat.  She chose the quiet, shy dog who had been there twice as long as the others (her first choice was 7 and had a double coat AND got adopted while we were there). She made a great choice. Perfect dog for Marley. I'm making efforts to not play alpha too much. Marley wanted to name her Meme, but that's my name so I objected. So she named her Juniper (Junie) Ravenclaw. She wrote a book prior to this about a girl and her dog named Junip. Solo and sage have been calling her "Junifer".
Firm knowledge that I share genes with my mother.
Sage has been very cuddley for 3 days without being sick.
Solo divided his pokemon cards and card holding pages into two and found an empty binder to make sage her own pokemon collection.
Sage insisting Grandpa Bob hold her like a baby just like in her baby pictures.
I had my first cup of coffee in 3 days this morning.
Bob had a super in depth assessment at work and impressed the guy by leaps and bounds. He's an irreplaceable asset. (I already knew that) (Also the test showed that Bob takes on too much stress and doesn't handle it well) (already knew that too).
I'm trying to not let people I don't like, make me less likable.
Lulu sleeps at the foot of my bed every night.
The kids and I have been doing a better job reading the Bible, not just talking about it, each day.